In a rare moment of justice, Hoboken’s disgraced yuppie-asshole thug-wannabe child-mayor Peter Cammarano resigned in shame on Friday, a week after being arrested in the massive federal corruption investigation. Despite couldn’t-be-more-damning transcripts of his transgressions, Petey had denied any wrongdoing and vowed to stay in office. That is, until additional indiscretions came to light. In a Salt in Wound exclusive, I can now reveal those improprieties.
• Has had Bribe-Taking for Dummies overdue from the Hoboken Public Library for three weeks.
• Mussed up junk mail on Henry Louis Gates’s kitchen table, obscuring said professor’s house keys.
• Assured Letterman that it was Sarah Palin’s older daughter at the Yankees game.
• Reminded Jon Gosselin that he was “married, not dead.”
• Sold human organs.
• Sold Hammond organs.
• Talked about Fight Club.
• Told Michael Jackson that Sominex was “for pussies.”
• Messed with Texas.
• Suggested a way for David Ortiz to shake the nickname “Moderately-Sized Papi.”
• Killed a drifter with his bare hands.
• Wore white after Labor Day.
• Told Sammy Hagar that driving 55 was “also for pussies.”
• Shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.
• Tore that little tag off his mattress.
• Stopped and dropped; didn’t roll.
• Shot the sheriff. (Denies shooting deputy.)
• Rewound, but for purely selfish reasons.
Jack Silbert, curator