When I was in college, the best part of the student newspaper was the crime and incident report. 20 years later, the tradition lives on. Here is an item from today’s The Miami Student (Oxford, Ohio):
Officials find male with head injury
At around 2 a.m. Tuesday, Oxford Police Department (OPD) officers were dispatched to 102 S. Elm St. in response to a male trying to enter the residence. When officers arrived, they reportedly noticed a male with his face and shirt bloodied, staggering toward them. According to police reports, blood was oozing out the right side of his face and spurting from his temple. Officers reportedly performed first aid on the male, who was later identified as a Miami University junior.
The male reportedly could not tell officers what had happened.
According to police, there was no indication the male’s injuries had been sustained at the residence. Residents of the house reportedly told officers they were woken by the male banging on the door and they did not know him.
Around the same time, a Miami University Police Department officer reportedly noticed that the glass door to Maid-Rite Sandwich Shop had been broken. According to police reports, officers found blood, hair, and a pair of glasses at Maid-Rite. It also reportedly appeared as though a head had gone through the glass door.
The male reportedly told officers he wore glasses and had them with him earlier in the night.
Officers also reportedly noticed a blood trail heading west from Maid-Rite which ended at 102 S. Elm St.
The life squad reportedly transported the male to McCullough-Hyde Memorial Hospital.
OPD officers are continuing to investigate this incident.
Can you piece together what reportedly happened? I’ll leave this as a puzzle for SiW readers.
My piecing together begins with my job working the night shift at Seattle’s Main Blood Banking HQ, Y2K era. The department where I was stationed, BLOOD banking mind you, was Order Processing and Distribution, hence the cryptically shortened form, OPD. You down with OPD? yeah you know me. We yelled STAT, not Something about Mary “We got a bleeder!” which was funny when it came out not so long ago. What is funny now is how timelessless that was/is. So I guess all I’m left with, is that Freddy Kruger did it. Was he a shape-shifter? (I never saw any of those nightmare movies.) However, confusion with the name Maid-Rite could possibly give anyone signs and symptoms of a CVA; oozing and spurting descriptions are textbook capillary and arterial….. Venus was her name! YES! A crime of passion!
“i don’t want to put a damper on the SiW “community” but i’m smug…important…have a reputation…more concerned with efforts that benefit my cash cow…trying to seem sophisticated (poor little Ewing, New Jersey “YOUR CITY AND INHABITANTS ARE FUCKING JOKE!”)…but even when I’m depressed and “uncommunicable”, I still read SiW (celebrating my 2 year anniv!) and THINK about responses…so I guess it’s better to WATCH “Liar’s Club” than actually play it…and yet, it’s not a game….just a simple question….i don’t know Frank…i think you’re going to need a sports and entertainment lawyer to figure this one out, at least maybe write about it once a week….eh, fuck, i’m the one who needlessly feels like shit if I don’t make an effort to keep my word, idea…” -Musings from a Minion
I’ve done far worse for a sandwich.
P.S. Happy anniversary, Gary.
And it seems painfully clear that when the bars closed in Miami, Ohio, the perp in question had a serious case of the munchies, was too drunk to realize the local Maid-Rite was closed so crashed through the door. Realizing his error, he stumbled home, but, having lost his glasses, arrived at the incorrect address. In the business this is known as a “Robert Downey Jr.”
Thanks, Jack. You’re answer makes sense. I’m one to talk however; my sense of sense, in the business, is know as a “Morton Downey, Jr.”
So to proceed. Because the ethnicity of the perp is conspicuously withheld, along with that beguilingly named “Maid-Rite,” I’ll leave it to the SiW “community” to place these two facets into action, keeping in mind the blow heard ’round the airwaves yesterday as Miami U alum Roethelisberger went BAM, onto the turf.