1. Lose 10 pounds.
2. Gain 15 pounds.
3. Start smoking.
4. Move part in hair half-centimeter to the left.
5. Finally learn how to play piano and when instructor tells me that I’m actually getting very good, never ever play again.
6. Meet girl, lose girl, think about winning girl back, but really listen to a lot of baseball on the radio and eat store-brand tortilla chips.
7. Wear sunscreen on top of clothing.
8. Work with Mayans to assure end of world is post-Olympics but pre-election.
9. Resolution number 9, number 9, number 9, number 9 . . .
10. Call Mom more often; hang up after second ring.
11. Party like it’s 1999.
12. Begin mixed martial arts league with tournaments just before important ones; call it Penultimate Fighting Championship.
13. Tell everyone schnauzer I bought at mall pet store is a rescue dog.
14. Increase length of arms; box with God.
15.
16. Leave resolution 15 fallow until 2013.
17. Clear my eyes, fill my heart, still lose.
18. Translate CB lingo into Braille for blind truckers.
19. Roll over last year’s questionable “magic beans” investment into Roth IRA.
20. Devote more time to helping those with . . . oh who am I kidding.
21. Remember that next step of scratch-off lotto cards is not “and sniff.”
22. Dance like someone’s watching.
23. Fly across international date line to avoid totally pointless February 29.
24. Continue slow, secret transition of “paprika” from spice name to exclamation of surprise.
25. Try not to be so easily distrac—ooh a bird!
New Year’s Resolutions 2012
14 responses to “New Year’s Resolutions 2012”
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you are smart and funny.
Thank you!! You are too. Happy new year, kiddo.
Love the first three in reverse order; and number 14. Happy new year, Jack! 2012 is your year. I think I’ll see you on Live with Kelly And _______ before the year is out.
“8. Work with Mayans to assure end of world is post-Olympics but pre-election” – I really would rather the end of the world was also pre-Olympics if that can be arranged.
Says someone a little too close to the action! Thank you Kate, thank you Maggie, and happy new year to you all!
When I told my wife #8 she thought I said it was a Mime Apocalypse, not a Mayan Apocalypse, which is scarier in its own way. If there is one, we’re going to act surprised and yell, “Paprika!”
Maybe post-Zombies, roving bands of mimes will be the latest craze. Happy new year, Matt!!
Hey Jack,
I just stumbled across your website (from Facebook I do believe). Truly enjoyable; you’re an excellent writer.
Happy New Year!
Jon
Thanks so much, Jon!! Of course i have long been a big fan of your photography. (Click on his name, folks, to see some of it.) Best of the new year to you and my birthday sharer!
Love ’em. #14 in particular made my heart glad. Happy New Year!
Same to you, funny lady! (Click HER name to read some wickedly funny stuff.) We shall talk soon of world domination, yes?
Paprika!!! That was great!
12, 21, & 22 were my faves.
Hope you have a fulfilling 2012 full of love & laughs.
Thank you, Caren! I know YOU will have an excellent 2012. Good luck with your secret project and also your no-longer-secret project!
Heh heh! Thanks! I don’t remember what my secret project is (oh, maybe it’s the essay I sent you?) but yes, I’ll need luck for my no-longer-secret project, which will soon keep my hands very full (of poop!!!)
I loved #13, too. Anything about doggies is a winner.