Back in late November, for the $550 million Powerball jackpot, I was still reeling from Sandy recovery when I made up my winnings wish list. Now, with tonight’s $600 million jackpot, I have a much clearer head. So this time, if I win, I will…
• Go see fancy 3-D version of new Star Trek movie; loudly complain about “irony of one-dimensional characters” until thrown out of theater.
• Make long-distance prank calls to all those A.P. reporters.
• Hire the creators of The Office to make yet another montage of Jim and Pam’s storybook romance, then hurl it into the ocean.
• Collaborate with bio-tech scientists to invent lettuce secretly made out of ground beef; pull a fast one on my vegetarian friends.
• Build time machine, travel to year 8000, see if “Forever” stamps are still valid.
• Purchase rights to Indianapolis 500 and Belmont Stakes; hold them simultaneously on same track.
• Buy 600 million scratch-off tickets.
• Start a Kickstarter campaign that just says “Eh, keep yer stinkin’ money.”
• Rent out Westboro Baptist Church for a gay wedding.
• Go up to next street person I see and deliver stirring pep talk about never giving up on your dreams; get whisked away in 16-foot Hummer limo before I get any poor-person germs on me.
They got better and better, and then this one blew them all away: “Rent out Westboro Baptist Church for a gay wedding.” I laughed out loud.
Ever see Red State by Kevin Smith? Fun take on the Westboro Baptist Church. I enjoyed it, and it wasn’t a standard Kevin Smith movie. I was impressed.