Reasons to Still Visit Hoboken, Now That Maxwell’s Is Closing

A new friend recently told me that, with the upcoming closing of the legendary indie-rock club Maxwell’s, she couldn’t think of any other “destinations” warranting a trip to Hoboken. Poppycock, I say! Though the city is merely a square mile in size, it still has so very much to offer. Here is just a small sampling of the wonders that await you here in the jewel of Hudson County. We look forward to seeing you!

1) Visit Carlo’s Bakery, as seen on TV’s Cake Boss! Wait a minute, you mean people sit at home and watch a guy on television bake a cake? Seriously? This is what we’ve come to?

2) In early March we have some sort of St. Patrick’s-themed day which may or may not coincide with a parade. Come see young people with very, very high self-esteem and young people with very, very low self-esteem drink to the point of anger, sadness, confusion, loudness, impotency, and loss of bladder control.

3) On the Waterfront was filmed here. Each year, fewer and fewer people have any interest whatsoever in the 1954 Academy Award winner. But maybe you’d like to walk where Marlon Brando, Eva Marie Saint, and Karl Malden pretended they were in Manhattan or Brooklyn.

4) Shop and dine in one-of-a-kind spots such as Office Depot, CVS, and Dunkin’ Donuts.

5) The probability of another Hurricane Sandy happening on the exact day that you visit is less than 1 in 5.

6) Our view of the New York skyline is almost as good as the one from Weehawken.

7) Pay your respects at the birthplace of Frank Sinatra. The house was torn down a long time ago so there isn’t really anything to see, except a scuffed-up plaque on the sidewalk. Hey, it’s not like the guy made birthday cakes or anything.

8) Drop by the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade Studio on… what? It moved to Moonachie? Goddamnit.

9) Right now at the Stevens Institute of Technology they are [redacted by the NSA; “we are watching you”™]

10) Stand at the southeast corner of 11th and Washington, maybe with the Feelies’ The Good Earth in your earbuds. Close your eyes, smile, and think of better days.