I’m Not Clicking Anymore

I was on Yahoo, and I clicked it: “Just Try and Tell Us Kylie Jenner and Jaden Smith Aren’t Dating After You See These Photos.” Why the hell did I click? I don’t know who Kylie Jenner is. I’m guessing she’s related to Bruce Jenner, who was on a Wheaties box when I was 7 years old. And now he has something to do with the Kardashians. Jaden Smith is either the son or daughter of Will Smith and that actress who I could probably think of if I gave it some thought.

I clicked, I looked at the photos, I learned that this couple is 15 and 16 years old, and I realized that I don’t give the slightest shit whether they are dating or not. I also noticed that the “article” was on the Huffington Post, which smart friends seemed to trust a few years back as a legitimate journalistic source, but the more often I seem to click there, the more trashy nonsense I see.

And then I scrolled down just a little.

And… I don’t even know what you call this. (See image above.) But so many websites have it. There are little photos and links to other stories and those stories aren’t necessarily located on the website you are currently visiting. This one says it is “promoted content by Taboola.” What the fuck is Taboola? I don’t care. I don’t fucking care.

Yet… I still almost clicked. Because, what trick did it take David Blaine 20 years to learn? He and I go to the same barber shop! So I kind of want to… no. Goddamnit, no. I’m not clicking. It might’ve taken me 20 years to learn, but I’m not fucking clicking. Will we ever again get headlines that tell us what the story is about (“David Blaine Pulls a Pomegranate Out of His Ass”) instead of just tricking us into clicking? Or ones that aren’t formulated by algorithm for some sort of “Search Engine Optimization”? Just typing the words makes me want to kill myself.

But I won’t do it, because I want to outlive these bastards who are slowly but surely decimating the world of information. And from now on I’m just going to guess what the rest of the story is, without clicking. Starting now.

THE TRICK IT TOOK DAVID BLAINE 20 YEARS TO LEARN — To press the razor much more firmly against his face when shaving.

HOW OIL PULLING WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE — Your hands and lower arms will be permanently covered in oil.

THE REAL REASON PEOPLE BLAME YOKO FOR BREAKING UP THE BEATLES — Um, people are racist?

THESE 15 THINGS ARE AVAILABLE FOR FREE — 1] Stickers 2] Business cards 3] The beauty of nature 4] A travel mug if you check in on Yelp when you’re waiting for goddamn ever in the Hudson Toyota customer lounge 5] Junk mail 6] Publications stacked up in stores that are not newsstands 7] Emotions 8] Flimsy tote bags 9] Pens 10] Ketchup packets 11] Screenings of terrible movies 12] Communicable diseases
13] T-shirts shot from cannons 14] Fish, sometimes 15] A lady in a dry cleaners in Anaheim let me have a couple of collar stays for no charge, that was cool

NOT JUST ANOTHER WACKY RUBIK’S CUBE VIDEO — Live video feed of a guy in a room trying to solve it since 1984.

THIS ACTRESS GETS A HAIR COLOR MAKEOVER — First person in the history of the acting profession to change hair colors. Also, I have absolutely zero idea who this is.

WAS BRITTANY MURPHY POISONED? — No. She was a skanky drug addict.

JENNIFER LOPEZ GLOWS ON THE SET OF HER NEW MOVIE — She accidentally ingested Strontium-90 and will be dead before sunrise.

10 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE YOU LOVE BEYONCE EVEN MORE —
1] She’s dropped the accent above the second E so it will be easier to type her name
2] Releasing new single, “All the Trapped-in-Loveless-Marriages Ladies” 3] Destiny adopting another child 4] Instead of, three months after her album’s release putting out a pricey “deluxe” edition to sucker devoted fans into paying twice for basically the same exact thing, she is going to wait four months 5] Admitted she is one of Jay-Z’s problems 6] Revealed that her smash hit “Crazy in Love” was actually about her crippling bout with bipolar disorder 7] Has a “wardrobe malfunction” planned that will knock your socks off 8] In high school she won a waffle-eating contest and immediately vomited all over the table 9] Some sort of love potion 10] Giving up show business to live an anonymous life as “Netta Krantz”