Movie Review: The Amazing Spider-Man 2

2.5 stars out of 5

Wait, X-Men 18 can’t come out yet, I still need to review Spidey 2!

For the first… I don’t know, hour?… I was basically enjoying this. Despite the fact that it’s not great, the writing is flimsy, and Spider-Man’s suit looks really cheap. I know, I know, teenage Peter made the suit, so it should look cheap. But also, this is a movie, not The Electric Company, so it should look cool. If I can accept people with superpowers, I can overlook a handmade outfit being a little too snazzy.

But still… there was kind of a simple charm to the proceedings. In this era of gloom-and-doom brooding superhero movies, this seemed refreshing. Easy to follow. Corny. It seemed… like a comic book. (Or at least, a comic book from my era, 8,000 years ago.)

They even have Spidey cracking jokes like he used to do in the classic Marvel days. OK, the jokes aren’t very funny (see: flimsy writing), but, it helps keep the mood light.

Unfortunately, like an Energizer bunny bitten by a radioactive spider, this movie keeps going, and going, and going. (Two hours and 22 minutes? Really?) Its flaws become more apparent… and it becomes stupider and stupider. (There is a subway-related scene that is laughably moronic.)

And, for me, Andrew Garfield just doesn’t cut it as Peter Parker/Spider-Man. (Oh, sorry for the spoiler.) Tobey Maguire, now that was a Spider-Man. There was a sadness there, a depth. Garfield plays the character like Vinnie Barbarino. And the Harry Osborn they cast is even worse. He’s no James Franco; in fact, he looks and acts like Liam McPoyle from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

The movie does pick up late in the game, with an emotional scene culled directly from the comics. But instead of ending on this high note… you guessed it, the film keeps a-goin’. And why? Because they have money-grubbing sequels to set up. (Cue a pathetically slumming Paul Giamatti.) The filmmakers hold you in such low regard that they don’t even trust you to wait till the end of the credits—one of those “ok, it’s not really clever anymore” Marvel teasers is placed in the middle of the credits.

Please, please, please: I’m dorky enough that I’m going to keep seeing these movies, so please make them a little better? Please? ‘Nuff said.