Trending

I’ll admit it, I’m kind of addicted to the “trending” column on Facebook’s desktop version. Yes, it’s taken a little of the fun out of “discovering” celebrity deaths, but there is often some helpful or interesting info there. And yet, I am often left wondering, “Why the fuck is this trending?”

What I’ve done right now is grabbed a screen image of the current trending items. (I clicked on a couple of them, because that’s how these things work.) Let’s take a look, shall we?

• Jennifer Lawrence photographed wearing a pencil skirt and crop top. Oh for the love of Christ, who gives an everliving fuck??? Well, two sorts of people, I suppose: Those who want to buy these same exact items and then look not as good in them, and people who want to masturbate while thinking about Jennifer Lawrence. Verdict: SHOULDN’T BE TRENDING

• Grenada County, Mississippi circuit clerk resigns over U.S. Supreme Court’s marriage equality decision. One person thinks, “I’m going to click on this to feel superior to some ignorant moron.” Another person thinks, “Yee-haw, that’s stickin’ to yer principles, I’m a-clickin’!” A zero-sum game. Verdict: SHOULDN’T BE TRENDING

• Jimmy Kimmel asks children to explain same-sex marriage. Art Linkletter figured out that kids say the darnedest things (spoiler alert: but sometimes they’re so smart!) and TV hosts have been doing this bit ever since. Verdict: SHOULD BE TRENDING because sure, it’s cute, but points off for Kimmel sending a flunky to do the interviews instead of handling it himself.

• Woman searching for couple who got engaged on Eiffel Tower to share photos. Goddamnit, leave them alone!! Did they ASK you to take photos? No!! They didn’t! So mind your own goddamn business!!! Ooh this one makes me mad. Verdict: I THINK I’VE BEEN PRETTY CLEAR ON THIS ONE

• Robert Redford speaks about climate change at United Nations. Crazy thought, but maybe a climate change expert talking about climate change at the United Nations should be trending instead? Also of interest to people of a certain age who want to masturbate while thinking about Robert Redford. Verdict: SHOULD BE TRENDING because it’s important and you’re an idiot if you don’t already know that but some people are idiots

• Ten Commandments statue must be removed from Oklahoma State Capitol, State Supreme Court says. Why is there a Ten Commandments statue there in the first place??? Am I the ONLY ONE who was taught about separation of church and state in kindygarten? Jesus fucking Christ. Verdict: SHOULD’VE BEEN TRENDING IN 1802

• Chris Christie joins Republican presidential field for 2016 election. How surprising. Verdict: ONLY TRENDING SO PEOPLE CAN MAKE FAT JOKES

• Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton says state workers can refuse marriage licenses to gay people. Uh, no they can’t, you stupid cowboy fuckface. Verdict: SHOULDN’T BE TRENDING and I JUST MESSED WITH TEXAS

• Amnesia victim found in California could be from Australia, police say. Or she’s really jerking the airlines around. Verdict: SHOULD BE TRENDING and THROW ANOTHER SHRIMP ON THE BARBIE, MATILDA IS WALTZING HOME

• Trailer released for I Am Chris Farley documentary. OK, OK, I’ll click. Verdict: SHOULD BE TRENDING… IN A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!