1. Dedicate myself 100% to my physical rehabilitation, oh wait, I don’t think I’ve ever seen this episode of Two Broke Girls.
2. Create an orange juice that is just completely pulp.
3. Hack Russian government computers; affect outcome of Yakov Smirnoff lookalike contest.
4. Decide definitively whether to say “two thousand seventeen,” “twenty seventeen,” or “two! zero! one! seven!” in a loud, ridiculous falsetto.
5. Introduce my self-driving car to my self-cleaning oven.
6. Withdraw from European Union; enter Gabrielle Union.
7. Stop giving my Amazon Echo the silent treatment.
8. Participate in negotiations so Mexico doesn’t have to pay for the entire wall but maybe just the moulding?
9. Buy a virtual reality headset, sit around looking like a jagoff for a couple of days, then put it on a shelf in the closet and forget about it.
10. Keep smiling, keep shining, knowing you can always count on me, for sure, that’s what friends are for. And also for borrowing money.
New Year’s Resolutions 2017
9 responses to “New Year’s Resolutions 2017”
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11. Not put earworms in your friends’ ears? 😉 Happy new year! Hope it’s full of only good surprises
can I have your virtual reality headset when you’re done with it? I’ve seen enough of real reality.
MMXVII Spoken
Wow, that made me realize how out of the loop I am. I had to google half a dozen things. Hope you can get back to being my link to contemporary culture.
Wow, Allison< I'm out of looop 2. We r soulmates!
Jackster, i need ur advice column. New Year 2thousand 1.7. is off to strange begnninng.
In a few weeks, Highland Park, LA, I'm attending a Barm itzfah 4 tha 1st time. How does me non-semitic from dumbfuck rural hinterlands interact? A wee nervous. Although I feal humming Sting's "An Enfglishnma in NY" thruout the evening may b helpful?
Dare I say “back to form!”?
And the punctuation is perfect, check it out.
I would tell you how much I missed your holiday radio show this year but I could never do the job adequately. Hope to hear you back on the “airwaves” soon.
Happy New Year, and go ahead, tweet that new year check-writing joke.
David,
I would argue that the phrase “back to form” hinges on too much subjectivity, or at least contextually speaking.
A few months after my mother’s attempted suicide, I asked my father how she was doing. He replied with the gist that she was “back to form.”
I can’t remember if I merely thought, or if I expressed it audibly, but “wasn’t that what got her into trouble in the first place?”
SD, I was referring to his form before “The Troubles.”
where The Roches wear their Paul Simon connection too fittingly
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3MAtQHNpzh4