Shockwaves permeated the fabricated world of astrology yesterday, when the existence of Ophiuchus, a heretofore unknown, also-completely-made-up zodiac sign was announced. Panic ensued globally as people tried to cope with the new date ranges of the previously accepted 12 signs.
Today, we’ve learned of the domino effect of this horoscope horror, impacting nearly all aspects of society. This is the intel we have gathered so far; Salt in Wound promises to keep you updated around the clock as we navigate this rapidly evolving world.
• Eighth dwarf: Collicky
• High-fives will now be a sort of awkward high-six. (Please use the index finger of your left hand in the revised maneuver.)
• Oodles of Noodles now oodlier.
• Maximum tweet length now 141 characters. So really express yourselves, kids.
• DVDs of the television series 24 have been recalled. Reissues will include footage at the end of each season of Jack Bauer saying, “Hmm, I don’t have to leave for another 40 minutes. Want to grab a quick lunch or something?”
• Devil’s number is now 667 but he doesn’t really check the voicemail anymore so just hit him up with a text.
• Baskin-Robbins’ 32nd flavor: Pralines ‘n Dryer Lint
• Leno replacing Conan as host of TBS series.
• Now seven geese a-laying; will not effect quantities of other items your true love gave to you.
• Marathons extended an as-yet-undetermined additional length; just keep running, we’ll figure it out.
• Lady Gaga meat dress now comes with choice of soup or salad.
Funny funny! I want this on a T-shirt. File this under “wish I’d written it.” How does one pronounce Ophiuchus, anyway? I can only imagine a hair-ball-in-the-throat sort of gagging noise, like a curse. Not a propitious astrological sign!
Does this mean this is the year for the Steelers to get one-for-the-other-middle- finger?
Go Steelers!