I Want to Replace Regis!

This morning, Regis Philbin announced that he’d be retiring from Live With Regis and Kelly at some point this year. For 28 years, he’s hosted a New York-based morning show, so this is truly the end of an era. I’m particularly saddened by the news. I watched in the very beginning, when Cyndy Garvey (ex-wife of former L.A. Dodgers great Steve Garvey) was the co-host. And whenever I’ve been on the road, it’s always been comforting to flip on the hotel room TV and see good ol’ Regis there. From hosting the Disney Christmas parade, to Dana Carvey’s “I’m screaming and I don’t know why!” impressions, to his great rapport with Letterman, to “Is that your final answer?”, he’s been a big part of my TV life, and probably yours too, for the past three decades. And he’ll leave quite a hole behind.

I want to fill that hole, ladies and gentlemen. Live With Kelly and Jack. Let me make my case to you, and then… let’s make this happen.

1) I have broadcasting experience. For 3.5 years I was a disc jockey on Pittsburgh’s WRCT, 88.3 FM. And let’s not forget my previous stint on WWPH, 107.9, Princeton Junction, New Jersey, the official station of West Windsor-Plainsboro High School.

2) That’s audio, what about video? I am very comfortable in front of the camera.

3) But what about in front of a crowd? Yes, yes, I can do that too.

4) I can feign interest in anybody for several minutes at a time. At parties, no matter what mind-numbingly dull profession someone has, I can always generate a few compelling questions to ask. Sometimes I’m so good, I nearly convince myself that I actually am interested. This skill will serve me well interviewing random celebs from the latest who-cares movie/show/play/book/album/website/blah blah blah blah blah.

5) I already work in New York.

6) Can I wake up early? Possible chink in my armor, you’re thinking. Ah, but that first WRCT radio slot? 6 a.m., my friends. On Saturdays. Also, once in high school, I woke up really really early to go fishing with my friend E.J. So I can do this.

7) I am nearly half of Regis’s age—but still a year and a half older than Kelly. This is important. It will keep her feeling young and vivacious.

8 ) I have extremely varied interests, high-brow and low-brow, so I’m happy to talk with any guest about anything. Entertainment, sports, politics, arts, technology, you name it, I know a little tiny bit about it. Jack of all trades. What I don’t know I will happily Google the night before.

9) Did I mention those low-brow interests? I am you, America! You can relate to me.

10) I will be charmingly inept at any sort of “demonstration.” I lack most actual skills. Making a pie with Rachael Ray? You put what where? Wait, wait, what am I supposed to do? The audience will roar with laughter!

11) I can probably get Ethan Hawke to appear on the show. And a few other prominent people—friends, friends of friends—who I will only reveal if I get a meeting with Gelman.

I’m sure you’re now convinced that I’m the perfect choice. Really, the only choice. But how do we get Buena Vista Television to agree with us? Simple, we harness the frightening power of this beast we call social networking. Betty White hosted Saturday Night Live, didn’t she? They even caved to a much less impressive campaign to get Cookie Monster on the air.

So I leave it in your hands, you, the Salt in Wound faithful. Start the Facebook page. Launch the online petition. Send those Tweets. Re-Tweet. Get the ball rolling. You tell two friends, and they’ll tell two friends, and so on, and so on, and so on.

Did I mention I own several ties?