MLB Fan Cave 1, Silbert 0

I have warm feelings for the southeast corner of 4th Street and Broadway in Manhattan. Tower Records held the spot for years, and I was sad when they went under in 2006.

So I’ve kept an eye on the intersection ever since. There was some sort of art project there, and a satellite Toys R Us location for the holidays. Last spring, some news cheered me. Though my beloved records wouldn’t be there anymore, another great interest of mine would be holding court: major league baseball. Good ol’ 4th and Broadway would be home to the MLB Fan Cave. (And besides, the great store Other Music is just down the block.)

I actually considered applying to be the Fan in the Cave for the 2011 season. But, you know, watch every single game? (And blogging about it, and whatever else they had you do.) I worried about OD’ing on baseball, as I’ve always worried about getting a job in one of my true interests. What if it became drudgery?

But then I gave serious thought to applying for the 2012 season, because, well, I have a bit of free time this year. But instead of once again being a glorified essay contest, they’d turned it into some sort of reality-show, voting-off-the-island kind of deal. And that just ain’t my bag. Also, as it turns out, I am 72% older than the median age of the current 9 finalists.

A few weeks ago, I passed by the Fan Cave, and it looked like preparations were underway for the new season. Or, at least, they had papered up the windows. But something caught my eye on the 4th-Street side: instructions.
1. Press anywhere to begin.
2. Hurry up! You have 5 seconds to pose.
3. Press save or retake.
4. Enter an email address to send your photo.

Well, I absolutely LOVE doing dumb stuff like that. Have always been drawn to anyone holding a Polaroid camera across from a costumed character. However, though a digital camera lens was visible, the apparatus did not seem to be functioning.

I returned today, walking up Broadway to get my hair cut. Lo and behold, the Fan Cave camera was working! A now-un-butcher-papered screen to the right of the instructions showed a live video image of the street in front of it. And not one person was trying it out. What is wrong with you people? There is magic afoot! Well, I was certainly going to get a photo. No, wait, I’ll do it after the haircut. Ooh I wish I had some Yankee gear with me.

I eagerly returned after my visit with Alberto, fully expecting to encounter some sort of line. Nope. Still no one. I experimented to find the optimal distance from the camera. (After all, I would have 5 seconds to pose.) I pressed anywhere. The counter began: 5… 4… 3… I smiled, I looked at the lens. Click. Well, I imagined a click, anyway.

Looks good! I pressed send. A touchscreen keyboard appeared so I could enter my e-mail. I pressed “J” but “K” came up. Tried again. Another “K.” Fiddlesticks! I tested out pressing to the left of the desired key. But I guess I paused too long, because the program reset itself. Phooey!

OK, be cool. Press anywhere again. 5… 4… Smile. Virtual click. Looks good again! Press send. Must work quickly and efficiently. But by now I’ve attracted the attention of some homeless guy who is watching over my shoulder. I’m a little concerned that maybe this dude is taking down my e-mail address, but really, what is a homeless guy going to do with my e-mail address? Still, it’s creeping me out a little. Step back, brother, I’ve got some intense Jack-Bauer-disarming-a-bomb/Operation shit going down here. Pressed squarely to the left of each key, and it was working: J… A… C… K… you know what, I’m not going to give my whole address here, just in case Salt in Wound is bookmarked down at the shelter. But suffice to say I got the whole thing in there and pressed send.

Then another screen came up, asking if I wanted to share my photo on the Fan Cave website? Well, sure, why not! I pressed SHARE or YES or whatever it said, and the wheel began to spin above the word “Sending…”

And kept spinning, and spinning, and spinning. Maybe it’s taking a little while to connect to the server? I felt vaguely awkward with my photo up there on the screen, so I sort of stood in front of it and pretended to be checking something important on my phone. But it just kept spinning, and spinning, and spinning. I realized I’d feel less awkward if I wasn’t standing in front of it. So I walked away. But how long will it stay up there? Hey, maybe I’ll go viral: Who’s that guy on the Fan Cave screen? I might become an animated GIF! A meme!

Arriving back at home, there was still no sign of an e-mail from MLB, and no indication I’d shown up on the Fan Cave site. Since the Cave is all about social media and what-not, I sent them a Tweet:

But it’s been (as you can see) three hours, and thus far no reply. Well, it’s a good thing I snapped my own photo. I just hope I can reproduce it without the express written consent of Major League Baseball.