12/15/01
SUBJECT: it’s 5:06 a.m.
…and i fucking hate myself.
went to [name redacted]’s xmas party. [Redacted] is 27 and clean-cut and an absolute sweetheart. i kid myself thinking i could get her. i can’t get her.
co-worker nancy brings her cute-and-sassy friend Melissa, who i met the night that I took care of the young puking drunk girl.
there were a few genuinely nice people there. but who’s this bald fuck?
of course it’s [redacted’s] on-again, off-again boyfriend.
and he treats her like SHIT.
he gets stupid drunk, he gives overly-familiar hugs to every hot woman. his sweetheart of a girlfriend is right there!
i keep drinking. the few people i know leave.
but melissa stays behind. so i stay. she is so cute and sassy and vaguely flirtatious.
at about 2 five of us go to a nearby bar. did i mention i’m on the upper east side.
[redacted] and her man eventually show up. they yell at each other. she eventually storms out.
and how do things play out for Silby? the same fucking way they did when i was 17 goddamn years old. the girl i like, the girl i’m talking to (melissa) starts talking more to some other dork. and i just fucking sit there.
she throws me a bone every 15 minutes or so. we dance to “moondance” by Van Morrison. but then more talking with other guy.
close to 4 the other woman in the group leaves. i figure, time to go. “hey, melissa, i think this is a good time to go,” i say.
but as i’m leaving, she’s like, “one more drink?”
i say, “if you were talking to me instead of him, i’d stay all night.”
and then i go into this pathetic rant about her choosing the bad guy over the good guy, the smart guy.
she says, “oh, i’m not choosing, i just live near here, that’s the only reason i’m staying.”
i pathetically leave. what the hell am i thinking? i’m a dumb fucker.
Is this e-mail to you or from you? “Silby” implies it is from you, but then to whom were you sending this? Did you ever send it? I’m somewhat confused.
Regardless, if in fact this is what happened to you I hope you went home that night and listened to the extended remix of “Heartbreak Beat” by the Psychedlic Furs!
Sorry, just saw this comment! Each of the emails in this series were written and sent by me (generally to our mutual friend Joe). If you click on “emails found on my old computer” above you can see the previous installments, and the first one has background information.
When I got home, I wrote and sent the email and probably then passed out!
Sorry, but you are neither the good guy nor necessarily the smarter guy.
“I kid myself thinking I can get her. I can’t get her.”
Who says things like this? Yes, she is definitely an object an item you deserve to win. It is your thinking that is the problem. You are not the good guy you think you are.
“bald fuck”
because we should judge our lovers by their looks completely.
Like many, you assume you are the smart guy, the nice guy, you are not. He may not be either. Or he may. But just because you go through the motions of being the so called good guy, your thinking is that you deserve any girl because you are better then the other guy. Maybe not cooler or better looking so you are smarter and nice. Except, you are not really all that nice….
Stop thinking you deserve a girl and picking them apart. Start looking for someone who you can appreciate on a lot of factors. Then you will be in a relationship instead of bitter.
[I notice many posts about being a good guy and volunteering of course meant to prove something, but why not do it and DONT write about it??]
I see too much entitlement in these posts, Jack. I know you are no worse then some of the other guys but are you really better?
Hi Esther, thanks for visiting, reading, and commenting. If you enjoy my posts, please stick around. If my self-entitled, self-deprecating, self-promoting ways annoy you, there’s a whole lot of other Internet out there. (Three of the 762 posts on this site refer to me volunteering. I do a whole lot of things–good, bad, and indifferent–that I don’t share here or on social media. I’m mostly interested in entertaining people with a good story.)
Esther, those of us who know Jack can say with absolute certainty that he is “the good guy.” He is very, very good. Usually . . .