Movie Review: The Place Beyond the Pines

2.5 stars out of 5

Had this been a live-action short, it would’ve been pretty freaking great. Oscar quality, maybe. But as it stands, this is basically a piece of shit.

And that’s a shame, because it does start very strongly. Kind of a dark twist on Oz the Great and Powerful. For we once again have a handsome, charismatic lead (Ryan Gosling) as a bad-news, skirt-chasing carnival worker always ready to move on to the next town. Gosling delivers a dynamic performance. Unlike his puzzling, neutered portrayal in Gangster Squad, here he oozes sexuality and danger. He’s all abs and grime and tats and bleached-blonde hair and penetrating eyes. Eva Mendes shows up but Gosling is much, much prettier.

And the film keeps pace with his bravura performance: over-saturated colors, thrilling POV shots, an edgy soundtrack, and lots and lots of revving motorcycles. (“The Fast and the Two-Wheeled”?) It’s a Springsteen song come to life. Drifter wants to settle down, finally provide for his family, but the only way he knows how in this dead-end town is on the wrong side of the law. Sounds corny but an intense, riveting Gosling makes it work.

Then Bradley Cooper shows up as a police officer (the cops and robbers in this town are really good-looking) and I thought, holy crap, the movie is ending, this is ridiculously short but surprisingly awesome.

Except: It wasn’t over. It’s, like, “interestingly formatted,” and now we get chapter two: Cooper’s story. And in my head, it’s slowly going down from 4 stars to 3 and a half, now to an even 3. Kind of an obvious morality play. Life is rotten whether you’re good or bad. Fathers are important. (Oh man does the director/co-writer have some heavy-duty daddy issues. I could look up his name, but my IMDB bookmark is way over there….) When Ray Liotta appears as a corrupt cop, you realize this has become a complete paint-by-numbers affair. But, eh, I’ve seen worse.

And then it becomes worse. Because, there’s a third segment, and I just had to laugh. As the movie reaches new heights of badness. It’s 15 years later, not that we had any inkling before that it was 1997. In fact, two Hall & Oates references and “Dancing in the Dark” might’ve placed this a full decade earlier. Maybe Bradley Cooper’s tracksuit was supposed to be a tipoff, but I figured he was just reusing wardrobe from Silver Linings Playbook. The plot devolves into something from a freshman screenwriting workshop (was about to say Syd Field was rolling in his grave, but it turns out he’s still alive. Huh!), with a Miller’s Crossing ripoff thrown in for bad measure. Leaps of logic are explained away with lazy, random dialogue.

I was exhausted. When it finally faded to black (after 2 hours and 20 minutes), I turned to my friend and said, “Now we’re going to get another half hour, on the guy who sold him the motorcycle.”

If you go to see this, and I don’t recommend that you do, try to catch a bargain matinee. Then, when Bradley Cooper looks out the window, just get up and leave. Trust me, it’s all downhill from there.