Movie Review: Into the Storm

2 stars out of 5

I’ll admit it: I’m a storm-porn addict. Hurricane Irene on the Weather Channel? Ohhh that was good stuff. And Sandy? Well why watch when you can LIVE it—oh yessssssss!!! So, with no knowledge in my head about this film except that the word “storm” was in the title and it was about a storm-storm (you know, not some kind of emotional storm), I walked up the street on $6 Tuesday to see a noon showing of this fakakta thing.

Was I the only person in the theater? Yes I was.

Did my ticket purchase push the total on my Bow-Tie Cinemas card to some level where I get a free popcorn, medium soda, or admission? No it did not. Come on, Bow Tie! Throw me a bone!

Now, this is not a good movie, but in fairness to the filmmakers, I don’t think they were actually trying to make a good movie. But maybe they could’ve tried just a little harder. For this genre, I recommend:
—characters who we care about, who are in harm’s way
—slow build-up and increasing sense of dread as THE STORM APPROACHES (also works with sharks)

In this, first there’s no storm, and then, boom, storm. (Oh, also, it’s a tornado, which kind of bummed me out. I’m a hurricane man.)

And as far as characters go… bleh. Maybe better actors could’ve pulled it off, but I doubt it. Richard Armitage is supposed to be a good actor, isn’t he? But here I think he’s concentrating so much on doing an American accent that he delivers a very wooden performance as the assistant principal/stern distracted dad.

Some no-name kid plays his eldest son and I bet somebody in a meeting said “He’s like Tom Cruise circa All the Right Moves!” Alas he is not. The other son is played by a guy who was in iCarly and I’m ashamed that I know that.

Matt Walsh is Mike on Veep. He’s really good on that show. Here, he’s out of his depth as an overly driven storm-chaser in a tricked-out armored storm-chasing vehicle.

Oh, and remember on Friday Night Lights, when that rich family moved to town, and the son was a really good quarterback but kind of troubled? And then the next season the producers got lazy and just turned him into this weirdly one-dimensional teenage prick? Well, he’s in this too. And his acting has not improved.

There are two backwoods comic-relief guys who aren’t very funny.

There’s also this odd, everyone-has-a-camera, everyone-is-always-filming thing going on, which seems like the filmmakers are trying to make some sort of… I don’t know… point, but they never actually make it. Oh well. I guess the screenwriters were too busy coming up with stellar dialogue like “I’ve never seen anything like this. These updrafts are insane” (meteorologist) and “This is the biggest tornado I’ve ever seen” (Matt Walsh).

But who cares about people and acting and scripts? We want to see stuff get ruined! And we do. They namecheck Katrina, Joplin, Sandy. Because, you know, storms are getting worse and, you know, more frequent. The special effects here are not remotely awe-inspiring, but, it gets the job done. A twister catches fire. A high school gets pummeled. Late in the film, suddenly there’s a full-size airport in this tiny town just so we can see 747s flipping around in the sky. I guess that’s mildly cool.

It’s watchable, just barely. Still, I would’ve happily kicked it up half a star if they thought to give a cameo to Helen Hunt. But they’re not even that clever.