The Wit and Wisdom of Lee Israel, Vol. 5 (Mar. 2011 – Mar. 2012)

Today would’ve been Lee Israel’s birthday, and we are soon approaching the anniversary of her death. Like Elvis, Michael Jackson, Andy Kaufman, Tupac, etc., Lee’s had quite the posthumous year. To recap: Times obituary, announcement of a movie based on her book starring reigning Oscar-winner Julianne Moore to be written and directed by Nicole Holofcener, the addition of Chris O’Dowd to the cast, Moore’s departure from the project, and the movie quietly going into remission. We went from “What a shame Lee isn’t around to see this!” to “Thank goodness Lee isn’t around to hear this!”

Still, with a completed script by a top Hollywood talent, don’t count out the old bird just yet. If there was one thing about Lee, she could always surprise you.

And so we return to my collected e-mails from Lee Israel. Ironically on her birthday, this batch spans two of my birthdays. She continues to discuss plans for a movie, refers to the illness that will eventually slow her, and our get-togethers with Jim the Mapman move from Tribeca to the West Village….

3/23/11
Jack Is it your birthday? If Yes, than Happy. In any case Happy. The script is now being shopped to Helena Bonham Carter, obviously so like me, except that she is too short…Is Debbie Reynolds tap dancing, or did she and Liz make up? How old are you? What are you wearing? as ever, Lee

5/19/11
[teasing me about the actor/director’s daughter, an old acquaintance:]

I’m having lunch with Bob Balaban tomorrow. Any messages?

12/3/11
[after I’d wished her a happy birthday, and informed her that I’d recently left the company that had once employed us both, where she’d had a rocky end:]

I just wrote something to you that disappeared. It was unedited. Here it is again. It was about time for you and it to split. When my book came out, comes out came out, I inscribed a copy to the head of personnel there (his name?) with a little note thanking him…God for dinner with you and Map, but it must be cheap…Did I tell you? Helene Bonham Carter and Sam Rockwell are committed to my movie –if it ever gets done.

12/28/11
Jack What’s your situation? Are you looking for work? ….What about the dinner you suggested? Lee

1/4/12
[after I’d told her I’d reach out to our friend Jim in Red Hook, and also informed her that the Algonquin’s table was now oval:]

You reach out. Red Hook is of course out of the question, except if he sends a car for us. . As for the Algonquin table’s shape,..too bad that Dotty isn’t here to witticise. You do know that I used to write for her. Lee

1/6/12, 4:16 pm
[after our final get-together at Walker’s in Tribeca, where it was suggested that next time, we’d try Lee’s regular spot, Julius’:]

last night

Hi It was, as usual, fun to see you. But not enough to drink. At Julius’ — three dollars a pop–there will be enough. Be seeing you…Jim told me he has not yet transmitted my message to that ridiculous dyke: to wit; i.e.: go fuck yourself! …I’m sure they’re paying your successor much less than what you were taking home….Hope that wonderful medical plan has not yet kicked out. …One of my favorite movies (in answer to Jim’s question)is Robert Altman’s Gosford Park and Julia, the one with Tilda Swinton, a radical terrific actress, who seems always to be doing something with her armpits…Remember that Julius’ is a gay bar; being your purse.
Lee

7:53 pm
[after I referred to this grudge of hers with a former co-worker who’d crossed her — but really, who hadn’t?:]

Jack you are so amusing ..which is to say very very funny witty witty witty you make me laugh Bring her on!!!l If you combine her and on ..it is of course heron lee

1/7/12
[after I’d sent her a word-heavy poem:]

Otiose.Flaccid. Harassment.

1/18/12
Julius’ low bar and grill

The good news is —drinks are three dollars a pop; the bad news? It’s a dump!
When do you and Mappy want to go? If Jim is ever asked again by [redacted] whether she can go, too, I would like him to say, “No! Lee, famous mid-list author and felon, has never forgiven you for ratting on her many years ago, and causing her to lose a gig that she at the time desperately needed. Lee don’t forget.” As ever, Lee

1/21/12, 10:50 am
RSVP

so? julius’? you seemed a little down last time we met…finishing my piece.it’s much too long. and maybe not in the least bit funny. lee

1:06 pm
[after I offered to read the piece:]

Jack that stretch seems good to me ..let me know …but there is no way in the world that anyone –save an editor or a producer, with the power to do something about said work –sees my stuff before publication…..I have a philosophy about that, a hard and fast rule, because: if you love it, that’s not pertinent, if happy-making; if you hate, I’d have to tell you tan pis and/or go fuck yourself;.and i won’t read anybody else’s pre-published manuscript for the same reason.
Michael Riedel is at work on a book about the theater, for Simon & Schuster. He intimated that he’s going to show it to me. I don’t think so, for the reasons I just enumerated.
P.S Virginia Woolf has influenced me; i’m using a profusion of semicolons; she liked them.; I adore her. Lee
PPS she was a great stylist, and my hair is difficult to work with.

1/29/12, 9:38 am
[after I’d suggested February 2 for our first visit to Julius’:]

Good. It’s Mr. Lincoln’s birthday. Let’s all tell the truth..er..wrong president.Don’t youu hate “er”? lee

11:16 am
The problem is, er, that I’m not talking to any of those losers–just finishing my piece (much too long), and that is a breakthrough for me because I haven’t finished anything since the book came out. See you Thursday. Set the time.

12:47 pm
I just finished two fat, very good bios (read them, didn’t write them) : Virginia Woolf and then Edith Wharton. They were scary prolific …knew everybody, wrote all the time; Virginia finished a novel in the morning and studied ancient Greek in the afternoon. Extraordinary, er, depressing. .

2/3/12, 8:58 am
jack writing well is the best revenge!

9:42 am
[in reference to my apparent faux-pas of telling Julius’ regular Chris that she hadn’t finished her drink:]

I went to sleep pretty quick, too. I’ll watch the recommended films tonight. ..So funny reminding Chris that she had some drink left. What you have to do then is hail a taxi, keep her out of sight and awake and on her feet so that the driver cannot see what kind of shape she’s in. I haven’t done this, but others have, often…She’s a darling, and the old one talks much too much, even for a Serb.

10:55 pm
[sent to myself, Jim, and another friend of Lee’s:]

Lee recommends

All wonderful Robert Altman: .Gosford Park, one of my favorite films, starring the entire British Empire, especially Maggie Smith, produced by Bob Balaban (who’ll be directing my film; Vincent and Theo, which i mentioned last night; and something I just saw of his, Three Woman (stay with it.) Lee
Heard from my indie producers today, through David; they don’t tell me anything. A powerful and prestigious group will be handling European distribution. Only in Hollywood do they agree to distribute something that doesn’t yet exist. Maybe there’s a lesson here…In any case, they are still very much with it.

3/3/12, 3:13 pm
[after I’d suggested another Julius’ meet-up; with a likely Tyler Clementi reference:]

Cool, baby! I’m down with it. Call to confirm. But I don’t want to be photographed at that gay bar, or I’ll jump off the Washington Bridge. Leo

3:45 pm
Thursday is a day I favor because I have to see my oncologist in the afternoon. And drinking is just what this doctor ordered….Where did you see or hear the baseball game?

3/9/12
[after I’d told her about my internet-radio show, and with a reference to a memorabilia dealer who wrote an angry letter to the Times after Lee’s book was positively reviewed:]

I am looking forward to listening and thanks for the link …I’ll listen on Sunday, I expect ..while cleaning the casa…I wrote to that dealer who thought I would eventually become a murderer. I’ll tell you about it. People like that remain obsessed. He wasn’t at all surprised. Stay tuned, said the tone-deaf 60-year-old…. to her old guitar.The more I see of you, the more I realize how very very smart and talented you are.,,

3/10/12
I just now wrote back to one of the bitter dealers. I have no shame, just enjoyment i will send you copies manana, from the guy who said I would make the leap from forger to murderer, or something like that he is still so fucking angry and I will add fuel to his fire whenever possible. actually, it would have made a better story if I had murdered I would have got a 6 figure advance. waited years to address the illogic of his letter i would write to the lady who wanted to see my head on a pike, but she’s fucking scary.
lee

[The following are Lee’s messages to the dealer in question; his replies deleted:]

I was with some other writers last night comparing notes about memorable bad reviews, with a subset: mad Letters to the Editor. Yours, in The Times (Aug. ’08), was right up there, though Eve Golden (just above you), with her suggestion that I be piked and my head displayed outside the NY Public Library, as a “warning to others,.” was a tough act to follow…We got around to your “appalled” epistle, and I was reminded of how peculiar I’ve always thought was the internal logic of your argument. Within its parameters, however, I am glad to report that I have not yet committed murder, not even a justifiable homicide…Mormon lunatics aside, you should know that my slim memoir may soon be a motion picture, directed by Bob Balaban,,and starring the adorable Helena Bonham Carter as the remorseless Lee Israel. Stay tuned. Lee Israel
——

You see, you’re still not making any sense, saying democracy “thank goodness” is somehow equal to latitude for criminals Look at the stats among Western democracies. USA is the strictest. This will upset you, but I have been to Barry’s White House once and, since I’ve done a lot of work for him among New York Progressives, hope to be invited again.
——

No shame Not in the least People adored my story and my talent. And I would do it all over again Lee

3/26/12, 11:03 pm
tomorrow

Jack I have a nurse practitioner, a good lady named Nancy Tenny, who inherited the rights to “Happy Birthday.” She and hers get paid every time the song is sung. How nice for her.
Happy birthday, Jack. (Nancy, do you have change for a dollar?) Seriously, do have a good day and try not to cry. lee

11:35 pm
Another gift: google two words instant and checkmate. I did this for several friends. A prelude to my own record says, seriously “‘Caution this backgrond report is very graphic.”‘ Are you on Adams St? Hoboken. 1969 Indicates that you have some kind record. Happy Birhday!

• Volume 1: 2005–6
• Volume 2: 2007–8
• Volume 3: 2009
• Volume 4: 2010