Missing a Few Screws

My TV crapped out. Purchased in 2008, it was my first HDTV. Oh the times we had together. But recently, I noticed some distortion on particularly bright parts of images. And then Monday, just after Jeopardy!, the whole screen went psychedelic.

Now, I need my TV. As my friend Karen said, “Dude, TV is important!” So I immediately went on bestbuy.com and ordered a new Sony Bravia. It would be my first Smart TV. Free delivery if I wait till Thursday? Fourth-floor disabled guy says yes!

Googled how much to tip delivery guys.

On Wednesday afternoon, a text message informed me that my TV had been delivered. Well, a day early is nice, but, um, I’m in my apartment, and I don’t see any delivery guys or any TV. But, flashing back to an earlier comment from Jasmine the visiting nurse, I realized that the box was sitting downstairs in the vestibule.

I calmly called Best Buy. Explained that I chose delivery because of my disability. Recalled that in 2008, the Best Buy guys brought the TV upstairs, set up the stand, connected the TV to its base, the whole works. Had the policy changed, I inquired. The customer service rep sympathetically told me that, had I ordered a TV that was 50″ or bigger, the Geek Squad would come in person and set it up. But smaller sets were sent by courier.

Size matters.

I contacted a neighbor and asked if he’d bring up the box and help me set up the TV when he got home from work. The neighbor kindly agreed.

A few hours later, we were “unboxing,” as the young people like to say. (Or at least, they did a few years ago.) I must admit, the neighbor did almost all the work. I had taken off my legs for the night, and besides, had just received my UberEats order. Hmm, neighbor reported, everything was here… except a set of four screws. That are used to connect the TV to its base. Are you sure? Maybe they’re taped to the TV? We checked and rechecked all the little bags that had been in the box, but no sign of the screws. Huh.

I called Sony and was eventually transferred to “Ann,” if that was indeed her name. She took down entirely too much information and then asked if I’d hold for a minute or two. Sure. Then she came back on the line, thanked me for my patience, and asked if I could hold again for another minute or two. Fine. Returning, she thanked me again, and asked AGAIN if I could hold for another minute or two. Uh, ok. When “Ann” finally spoke to me, she asked if I had called Best Buy. No, I called you. For it was you who put the stuff in the box. “Ann” suggested that I call Best Buy. “And if they can’t help me?” I asked. “Then call us,” Ann replied. I don’t know if she noticed the subtle shift in my tone from friendly to cold. But I was reminded of my friend Frank and a recent frustrating exchange with customer service that he’d had. When asked if there was anything else she could help him with, Frank answered,”Anything else? What was the first thing you helped me with?”

It was past 10 p.m. when I phoned Best Buy, but god bless them, they were there. But oh what a moron I found myself speaking with. A friendly moron, mind you, but a moron nonetheless. He could not find my phone number in the system. He could not find my email address in the system. He could not find my order number in the system. My composure, she was a’waning.

The Best Buy guy finally located my information, and oh boy did he — they still had my home number, and even my old Scholastic number. His recommendation seemed solid: He’d give me a case number, and they could order the missing screws (part No. M5L 16), and he’d refund me whatever the parts department’s cost was. But, he suggested first checking with my local Best Buy, perhaps they had an open box that they could pull the screws from, saving me some time. I went to bed mentally spent, but ready to tackle the problem in the light of a new day.

At 10:12 this morning, I called the Jersey City Best Buy. A nice fellow there told me, no, they didn’t have any open boxes, but that I should try Home Depot. When people bought open-box TVs from the store with missing screws, they often found identical ones at Home Depot for only a couple of bucks. I liked that idea, and thanked him.

I phoned the Holland Tunnel Home Depot. After a very lengthy time on the most whacked-out hold music, a kind woman told me that they had lots of screws, but she had no way of knowing which was the exact one. I said maybe I could come in with the TV’s base and take a look. Aisle 3, she said.

The aforementioned Karen is taking me to lunch later (it’s not Your Kippur, is it?). She’s super nice, hopefully I could get her to swing by Home Depot with me. I decided to take a look at the base and…

…taped to the plastic bag that held it, there they were. Screws M5L 16. Now, I’m not blaming the neighbor. I haven’t even mentioned that it was Patrick. Because I still need his help setting the thing up.

“I removed the base from that bag and could have sworn there was nothing else there,” he said, minutes ago. “I guess that’s the logical place for it.”

Yes, yes it was. Sony, Best Buy, Home Depot, Patrick: All is forgiven. You just kinda wasted my precious time, but don’t think twice, it’s all right. TV is important.