Last Saturday night, the parking space I found was pretty close to the big fancy Shop-Rite supermarket in town. So I thought, hmmm, instead of getting a takeout chicken parm sub tonight, or ordering a pizza, or making due with the third-of-a-bag of Rold Gold thin pretzels in my apartment, I suppose I could purchase and heat up some sort of frozen item. And not some run-of-the-mill frozen item from the boring A&P near my place—an exciting big fancy Shop-Rite frozen item. Something I’ve never had before! And I had orange juice at home. This was going to be a gourmet meal!
No Hot Pocket tonight, no sir! I walked up and down two-and-a-half long aisles of frozen delights. As I’ve stated before, I spend very little time in supermarkets, so every visit is a fun scavenger hunt. Everything’s new! It’s like that movie Memento if it were a comedy.
My eyes lit up at the sight of Barber Foods skinless breaded boneless chicken cordon bleu. “Quality since 1955,” the package said. “Half off!” the price tag chimed in. Time-tested, value-priced chicken, cheese, and ham? Count me in, brother!
But first I decided to read the instructions.
Ooh. Do not microwave. That’s a drag, but—not a deal-breaker. I do have a conventional oven, which I believe to be in working order.
Bake for 28 minutes. Huh. That’s a long time. That’s a really long time. And very much at odds with my oft-stated philosophy: If it takes longer to prepare than to eat, screw it. And it was nearly 9 p.m. already. But…no, no, I could do this.
But then came the words that stopped me dead in my tracks. “Cook to a minimum internal temperature of 165 F measured by a meat thermometer.”
A meat thermometer?
I do not own a meat thermometer. (Unless we’re using it as a euphemism, and then, yes, in that case, “Ay, I got yer meat thermometer right here, dollface.”)
I momentarily wondered what a meat thermometer might cost, but quickly realized that even a bargain thermometer would totally blow the budget for this particular meal. And since I rarely use the oven, I have no idea if it bakes hotter or colder than the dial would indicate. And the folks at Barber Foods felt compelled to mention the meat thermometer twice on the box, also adding the words “UNCOOKED” and “For Food Safety…”
I’ve got enough problems without giving myself a case of salmonella from half-price frozen chicken. I placed the package back on the freezer shelf.
That night’s dinner? A Jimmy Dean Breakfast Bowl. “Ready in 3 Minutes!”
Which is also not a euphemism.
Jack Silbert, curator