satire
New Year’s Resolutions 2022
1. Stop meddling in friends’ lives, focus on medaling in the Winter Olympics. 2. Create a set of lower-case numbers. 3. Start letter-writing campaign for a Grey Poupon Groupon. 4. Add a plus after my name. • Resolutions 5 and 6 unavailable due to covid protocols. 7. Realize that my nervousness about not getting felt […]
Other Important Dates on the QAnon Calendar
The U.S. House of Representatives canceled their session today, fearing further violence because of yet another QAnon conspiracy. This one claimed that disgraced former president Donald Trump would somehow be inaugurated on March 4, 2021. The intrepid research staff at Salt in Wound HQ have uncovered additional dates that these far-right nutjobbers are eagerly anticipating. […]
New Year’s Resolutions 2021
1. Wear mask. 2. Wear mascara. 3. Enter my beautiful house with my beautiful wife. Oh wait. 4. Print and sell bumperstickers: My Other Car is an Honor Roll Student 5. Hire Jellybean Benitez to remix my oatmeal. 6. Fill out early ballot for 2024 election. 7. Though it’s true nice guys finish last, put […]
New Year’s Resolutions 2020
1. For Halloween, dress up as Hugh Downs and/or Barbara Walters. 2. Now that I’ve solved Rubik’s Cube, resolve to re-solve. 3. Next time someone concludes a sassy “hot take” by saying “Prove me wrong!” go into an extended, Beautiful Mind-wall-diagram, meticulous point-by-point refutation of their supposed theory until everybody in the room gets really, […]
New Year’s Resolutions 2019
1. Partially shut down government until congressional Democrats give me $5 billion for a border collie. 2. Reveal to world that all this time, HTML has been shorthand for Hotmail. 3. Every time someone says 2019, mutter, “You know, Normie, 19 was the average age of soldiers killed in Vietnam.” 4. Research if Roy Rogers’ […]
New Year’s Resolutions 2018
1. See some shitty famous band just in case that “10 bands I’ve seen/1 I haven’t” meme comes around again. 2. Invent a smartphone selfie attachment that’s just an arrow saying “camera is here.” 3. Recruit an unbeatable personal army comprised only of transgender soldiers and maybe also stage a production of Joseph and the […]
Predicting John Sterling’s Home-Run Call for Giancarlo Stanton
After uncharacteristically missing out on the sweepstakes for Japanese star Shohei Ohtani, the New York Yankees made their first splash of the Aaron Boone era by acquiring super slugger Giancarlo Stanton. As both Stanton and Aaron Judge are right fielders, questions immediately arose regarding next season’s outfield alignment. Of course, another question looms: What will […]
Predicting John Sterling’s Home-Run Call for Todd Frazier
Late Tuesday night, the New York Yankees effectively announced they were “all in” for the 2017 playoff chase by obtaining infielder Todd Frazier and pitchers David Robertson and Tommy Kahnle from the Chicago White Sox. It is hoped that Frazier, the New Jersey native and Rutgers graduate, will add some much needed pop and stability […]
Betsy DeVos’s First Actions in Office
Today, the U.S. Senate confirmed the supremely unqualified Betsy DeVos as secretary of the Department of Education. Ignoring her many critics, the billionaire has just announced the first sweeping initiatives to prove she can more than handle this important position. — Pick up dry cleaning for the boss to show I’m a real good secretary! […]
New Year’s Resolutions 2017
1. Dedicate myself 100% to my physical rehabilitation, oh wait, I don’t think I’ve ever seen this episode of Two Broke Girls. 2. Create an orange juice that is just completely pulp. 3. Hack Russian government computers; affect outcome of Yakov Smirnoff lookalike contest. 4. Decide definitively whether to say “two thousand seventeen,” “twenty seventeen,” […]
Jack Silbert, curator