satire
New Year’s Resolutions 2020
1. For Halloween, dress up as Hugh Downs and/or Barbara Walters. 2. Now that I’ve solved Rubik’s Cube, resolve to re-solve. 3. Next time someone concludes a sassy “hot take” by saying “Prove me wrong!” go into an extended, Beautiful Mind-wall-diagram, meticulous point-by-point refutation of their supposed theory until everybody in the room gets really, […]
New Year’s Resolutions 2019
1. Partially shut down government until congressional Democrats give me $5 billion for a border collie. 2. Reveal to world that all this time, HTML has been shorthand for Hotmail. 3. Every time someone says 2019, mutter, “You know, Normie, 19 was the average age of soldiers killed in Vietnam.” 4. Research if Roy Rogers’ […]
New Year’s Resolutions 2018
1. See some shitty famous band just in case that “10 bands I’ve seen/1 I haven’t” meme comes around again. 2. Invent a smartphone selfie attachment that’s just an arrow saying “camera is here.” 3. Recruit an unbeatable personal army comprised only of transgender soldiers and maybe also stage a production of Joseph and the […]
Predicting John Sterling’s Home-Run Call for Giancarlo Stanton
After uncharacteristically missing out on the sweepstakes for Japanese star Shohei Ohtani, the New York Yankees made their first splash of the Aaron Boone era by acquiring super slugger Giancarlo Stanton. As both Stanton and Aaron Judge are right fielders, questions immediately arose regarding next season’s outfield alignment. Of course, another question looms: What will […]
Predicting John Sterling’s Home-Run Call for Todd Frazier
Late Tuesday night, the New York Yankees effectively announced they were “all in” for the 2017 playoff chase by obtaining infielder Todd Frazier and pitchers David Robertson and Tommy Kahnle from the Chicago White Sox. It is hoped that Frazier, the New Jersey native and Rutgers graduate, will add some much needed pop and stability […]
Betsy DeVos’s First Actions in Office
Today, the U.S. Senate confirmed the supremely unqualified Betsy DeVos as secretary of the Department of Education. Ignoring her many critics, the billionaire has just announced the first sweeping initiatives to prove she can more than handle this important position. — Pick up dry cleaning for the boss to show I’m a real good secretary! […]
New Year’s Resolutions 2017
1. Dedicate myself 100% to my physical rehabilitation, oh wait, I don’t think I’ve ever seen this episode of Two Broke Girls. 2. Create an orange juice that is just completely pulp. 3. Hack Russian government computers; affect outcome of Yakov Smirnoff lookalike contest. 4. Decide definitively whether to say “two thousand seventeen,” “twenty seventeen,” […]
Who Else Was the Fifth Beatle
Yesterday we learned of the passing of legendary Beatles producer George Martin. Obits were quick to note that he was often referred to as “The Fifth Beatle.” However, Martin was not the only individual to be bestowed with that honorary designation. SiW has compiled the following list of the other people most frequently known as […]
New Year’s Resolutions 2016
1. Get one step closer to the Almighty. 2. Get one degree closer to Kevin Bacon. 3. Remove plastic before eating processed cheese slices. 4K resolution. 5. Cut down on my cocaine use when I go to whorehouses with Lamar Odom. 6. Convince Europeans that 9/11 didn’t happen in November. 7. Demand that networks stop […]
Predicting John Sterling’s Home-Run Call for Starlin Castro
To help settle their situation at second base, today the New York Yankees traded pitcher Adam Warren and utility-man Brendan Ryan to the Chicago Cubs for infielder Starlin Castro. The 25-year-old three-time All Star from the Dominican Republic also adds youth and a much-needed right-hand bat to the Yanks’ line-up. One key question remains, though: […]
Jack Silbert, curator