New Year’s resolutions
New Year’s Resolutions 2024
1. Reboot the show 24.2. Resole my Reebok ReBoots.3. Start a 501c3PO non-profit for androids.4. Publish subjective book about famous telescopes, In My Hubble Opinion.5. Write bucket list. First item: Buy bucket.6. Give up obsession with taking 10,000 steps a day with help from a 12-step program.7. Buy an electric car, which will look cool […]
New Year’s Resolutions 2023
1. Attend my first rodeo. Oh wait.2. Bring back phrase “23 skidoo.”3. Market computerized sex doll with tag line “Any USB port in a storm.”4. Shamelessly promote the free indiepop show I’m presenting at Pet Shop, 193 Newark Avenue in Jersey City on Thursday, February 9, featuring the bands Joy Cleaner, the Human Hearts, and […]
New Year’s Resolutions 2022
1. Stop meddling in friends’ lives, focus on medaling in the Winter Olympics. 2. Create a set of lower-case numbers. 3. Start letter-writing campaign for a Grey Poupon Groupon. 4. Add a plus after my name. • Resolutions 5 and 6 unavailable due to covid protocols. 7. Realize that my nervousness about not getting felt […]
New Year’s Resolutions 2021
1. Wear mask. 2. Wear mascara. 3. Enter my beautiful house with my beautiful wife. Oh wait. 4. Print and sell bumperstickers: My Other Car is an Honor Roll Student 5. Hire Jellybean Benitez to remix my oatmeal. 6. Fill out early ballot for 2024 election. 7. Though it’s true nice guys finish last, put […]
New Year’s Resolutions 2020
1. For Halloween, dress up as Hugh Downs and/or Barbara Walters. 2. Now that I’ve solved Rubik’s Cube, resolve to re-solve. 3. Next time someone concludes a sassy “hot take” by saying “Prove me wrong!” go into an extended, Beautiful Mind-wall-diagram, meticulous point-by-point refutation of their supposed theory until everybody in the room gets really, […]
New Year’s Resolutions 2019
1. Partially shut down government until congressional Democrats give me $5 billion for a border collie. 2. Reveal to world that all this time, HTML has been shorthand for Hotmail. 3. Every time someone says 2019, mutter, “You know, Normie, 19 was the average age of soldiers killed in Vietnam.” 4. Research if Roy Rogers’ […]
New Year’s Resolutions 2018
1. See some shitty famous band just in case that “10 bands I’ve seen/1 I haven’t” meme comes around again. 2. Invent a smartphone selfie attachment that’s just an arrow saying “camera is here.” 3. Recruit an unbeatable personal army comprised only of transgender soldiers and maybe also stage a production of Joseph and the […]
New Year’s Resolutions 2017
1. Dedicate myself 100% to my physical rehabilitation, oh wait, I don’t think I’ve ever seen this episode of Two Broke Girls. 2. Create an orange juice that is just completely pulp. 3. Hack Russian government computers; affect outcome of Yakov Smirnoff lookalike contest. 4. Decide definitively whether to say “two thousand seventeen,” “twenty seventeen,” […]
New Year’s Resolutions 2016
1. Get one step closer to the Almighty. 2. Get one degree closer to Kevin Bacon. 3. Remove plastic before eating processed cheese slices. 4K resolution. 5. Cut down on my cocaine use when I go to whorehouses with Lamar Odom. 6. Convince Europeans that 9/11 didn’t happen in November. 7. Demand that networks stop […]
New Year’s Resolutions 2015
1. Since I do have an entire year, maybe don’t wait until 11 minutes before posting this to write hilarious list of new year’s resolutions. 2. Try to figure out why touring companies of Broadway shows never, ever seem to schedule performances in New York City. Totally unfair! 3. You will never believe the SHOCKING […]
Jack Silbert, curator