1. Since I do have an entire year, maybe don’t wait until 11 minutes before posting this to write hilarious list of new year’s resolutions.
2. Try to figure out why touring companies of Broadway shows never, ever seem to schedule performances in New York City. Totally unfair!
3. You will never believe the SHOCKING reason I decided to stop writing clickbait headlines!
4. I shalt not covet my neighbor’s… hubba hubba!!!! [Insert some other biblical mumbo-jumbo here later.]
5. Remember: You’re never fully dressed without a smile, or pants.
6. Stop playing Candy Crush Soda Saga so much; spend the extra time binging on candy and soda.
7. Return overdue library books, but kidnapped librarian stays here until demands are met!
8. Stop smoking e-cigarettes until somebody figures out how to eliminate the unwieldy extension cord.
9. Go out for drinks with Bill Cosby and when he isn’t looking, switch glasses.
10. Write a novel on a whole bunch of bumper stickers, mail one to everybody in the United States, and ask them to pretty please drive in a particular order.
11. This year, really focus on the true meaning of Cyber Monday.
12. Spend more time helping the harmless. What’s that? It’s “homeless”? Ooh gross!
13. Devise “five-year plan” for the launch of my sure-to-be-hugely-successful eyeglass store: 2020.
14. Netflix, Hulu Plus, Amazon, new stand-alone HBO service… If only I could come up with some way to bundle together all the different channels and send them directly to people’s home television sets through some sort of, I don’t know, a cable or something?
15. Be generous and put a link in my resolutions with a $1,000 prize code for the first 50 people who click on it.
16. Apologize for tricking people into clicking on one of my pay-per-page-view articles.
17. Encourage merger of Starbucks and StarKist; only sell tuna-flavored coffee.
18. Make fun of that dumb-head Kim Jong-un but do it way down in the list because like everybody else, he probably won’t read that far.
19. Work on my golf game; inquire about those metal sticks the other players seem to be carrying.
20. Release my next album only on vinyl flooring.
21. Swim the English channel (BBC America).
23. List my resolutions in the correct order.
22. Keep in mind that the elderly are people too, who just happen to be wearing some kind of crazy all-wrinkly bodysuits.
24. Contact my first wife and explain that it was all my fault: I shouldn’t have stolen her ID, forged her signature, dressed up that mannequin, and married her without her knowledge or consent.
25. Come up with a way for blacks and whites, police officers and everyday citizens, to all respect and appreciate one another; start doing that just as soon as this Simpsons marathon is over.
• My resolutions for 2014
• My resolutions for 2013
• My resolutions for 2012
Jack Silbert, curator