New Year’s Resolutions 2013

1. Geeeeeet my eeeeeeeeeeeee keeeeeeeeeeey fixeeeeeeeeeeeeed.
2. Apprendre à parler français.
3. Really take the bull by the horns (only if I somehow become a matador or rodeo clown).
4. Stockpile untaken wooden nickels; purchase a wooden certificate of deposit.
5. Resolution No. 5 is brought to you by Chanel No. 5, the perfect fragrance for when you want to smell like Brad Pitt’s goatee.
6. Lather, rinse, repeat.
7. Rather than improve my own appearance, just stand a little farther away from people.
8. Stop drinking so much single-malt Scotch; there are much, much cheaper ways to get blackout drunk.
9. Invest in real estate, especially after hard lesson learned last year from fake estate.
10. Teach the world to sing in perfect harmony. (Note to self: Have auto-tune ready just in case.)
11. Really get up-to-speed on the presidential campaign, which I TiVo’d so don’t anyone tell me what happened.
12. Don’t text while driving, but come on, writing resolutions in the car is totally, totally fine.
13. Number 13 for 2013? Um… unluckiest resolution ever?!?
14. Once and for all, understand that triskaidekaphobia is not a fear of Triscuits.
15. Teach Yiddish-savvy dog how to kvetch.
16. By the time the bar closes and you feel like falling down, I’ll carry you home tonight.
17. Launch Kickstarter campaign to raise $7.50 for a chicken parm sub. Maybe 9 bucks and I’ll get a Coke too.
18. Solve a Rubik’s Cube in less than a minute. What? Yes, I solved it. No, I didn’t hear a crash. Now would you please tape some cardboard over that Rubik’s Cube-shaped hole in the window, it’s getting a little drafty in here.
19. Stop giving Siri the silent treatment.
20. Do 50 pull-ups a day while wearing pull-up diapers.
21. Grant me the courage to change the things I can, and I’ll probably just b.s. my way through the rest.
22. Spend less time on Words With Friends, more time on Words With Godforsaken Backstabbers.
23. Start petition, use social media to spread the word far and wide, really creating a “movement,” hand-deliver our message to my representatives in Congress and when I get there, totally forget reason I started this in the first place.
24. Just whistle “Dixie.”
25. Set clocks an hour ahead now while it’s still on my mind.
26. More tai chi, less chai tea.
27. Really try to improve my flaws. Sorry, typo. Improve my floss. So long, store brand!
28. If no one picks up that $100 bill in front of my building by the end of the day, make a big sign with an arrow saying “Did You Lose This $100 Bill?” And then if nothing happens by the end of the week, mail it to the Lost & Found at the U.S. Treasury.
29. Enough with the bubbles and wet paper! This year, unwrap the soap.
30. Treat everyone with respect, unless they are stupid, annoying, or in my goddamn way.

My 2012 New Year’s Resolutions

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