1. Stop thinking about tomorrow.
2. Take more selfies of other people.
3. Live every day like I’ll be dead in three days.
5. It’s so important to be a good listener. Really, really focus on listening to the rockin’ tunes in my new earbuds to drown out the mindless jibber-jabber of all you yutzes.
6. Run a marathon. Wait, no. Rooney Mara thong.
7. Every time I have to pass gas this year, loudly announce “Happy Two Thousand Farting!”
8. Remember that looking both ways before crossing the street isn’t “up” and “down.”
9. Renew my licentiousness.
10. Though I’ll be disappointed to not find out what happens next with Blake Carrington, Krystal, and Alexis, stop watching Dynasty because of their bigoted views about gay people. What? A show where inbred backwoods swamp trash go around killing ducks? Well why the fuck would I want to watch that in the first place?
11. Also get totally irate about Russia’s wrongheaded views and policies toward gays but still end up watching 8,000 hours of Sochi Winter Olympics coverage.
12. Rearrange alphabet soup according to Dewey Decimal System.
13. Stop and smell the… my dear lord, maybe consider washing that thing?
14. Spend more time getting to know ol’ what’s-his-name.
15. Convince the “glass is half full” crowd to try using more accurately sized beverage containers.
16. Always utter the perfect response to everything just in case I end up in an upworthy video.
17. Refrigerate before opening.
18. Climb Mt. Eve rest.
19. [Broke resolution #19 right in the middle of writing it.]
20. Win one for the Gipper; finish season 1–15.
21. Do not cheat on diet. Do not, do not, do not… eh… donut, donut, donut.
22. Put together 1,000-piece jigsaw puzzle with all the pieces facing down.
23. Finally reopen that cold case that’s been haunting me for years; remove delicious icy can of soda from the case.
24. Memorize pi to the first digit.
25. Realize that I can’t change the world—I can only change ME. (That is the postal abbreviation for Maine, isn’t it?)
• My resolutions for 2013
• My resolutions for 2012
Jack Silbert, curator