Oh sure, it’s easy to write a fall TV preview when you’ve been sent DVD screeners and top-secret URLs and download codes. It’s another matter altogether when all you have to go on is the TV Guide Fall Preview 2013. But for the second year in a row, that’s what I’m going to do for you fine people.
From last year’s list of new shows, I only ended up sticking with one of them: Ben and Kate. And what did I get for it? A midseason cancellation! Harrumph. Needless to say, I am not inspired to be any less snap-judgment-y this time around.
Almost Human (FOX) — A futuristic cop drama with robots…. Jeez, I have to wait until November 4 to not watch this.
Back in the Game (ABC) — Hey, it’s the Bad News Bears but much shittier!
Betrayal (ABC) — I can’t wait to betray this show by watching something else. Possibly a blank screen.
The Blacklist (NBC) — Puffy James Spader made me uncomfortable on The Office, so I think I’ll pass on a bald James Spader.
Brooklyn Nine-Nine (FOX) — Nice career, Andy Samberg. You leave Saturday Night Live for some two-bit cop comedy on FOX. Eh, I’ll try it, but only because I also feel bad for the downward trajectory of Pembleton from Homicide.
Cold Justice (TNT) — If I worked there I’d show up real early and turn the air conditioning up super high. Then on the front door I’d write “Cold. Just Ice.” And then I’d get fired.
The Crazy Ones (CBS) — You see, Andy Samberg, you’re supposed to wait decades before you crawl back to television. I’ll take a look at this Robin Williams thing, but only because of childhood Mork loyalty.
Dads (CW) — Martin Mull, Peter Riegert—I feel like I owe this one episode. And then I feel I’ll hate it.
Dracula (NBC) — Sucks.
Enlisted (FOX) — You can waterboard me and I still won’t watch.
The Goldbergs (ABC) — I do like Jeff Garlin. I’ll watch, but mostly because we Jews have so few inroads in the entertainment industry.
Hello Ladies (HBO) — Are you as sick of Ricky Gervais as I am? Good news: He’s not in this. It’s his buddy Stephen Merchant, so I’ll give it a shot.
Hostages (CBS) — Last year I was up to “M” already. I’m only on H? Christ.
Ironside (NBC) — Blair Underwood and I went to the same college, but he graduated when I was a freshman. If only we’d had a little more time together, I could’ve convinced him to not star in a 1960s remake that no one will watch. Ooh, there’s an idea for a show: A cranky writer time-travels to 1987 to warn an up-and-coming actor….
Lucky 7 (ABC) — We will be unlucky if this lasts more than 7 episodes.
Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (ABC) — Comic book movies are terrible enough as-is. I’m not going to sit and watch some superhero crap every goddamn week.
MasterChef Junior (FOX) — What is this, an hour of Easy Bake ovens and Fruit Roll-Ups? Check, please.
Masters of Sex (Showtime) — I hear the working title was MasterChefs of Sex.
The Michael J. Fox Show (NBC) — It’s our old pal, Michael J. Fox; of course I’ll watch. And sure, I’m hoping I won’t have to wince very much.
The Millers (CBS) — Will Arnett—I think I watch every other show he stars in, so… dammit, I have to watch this one.
The Million Second Quiz (NBC) — Game show, no Regis, no me.
Mom (CBS) — And now Anna Faris throws away her movie career. They should air this at the same time as Dads and I’ll ignore them both.
Once Upon a Time in Wonderland (ABC) — My mom watches the dumb show that this is a spinoff from. So I partially blame her.
The Originals (CW) — All this vampire crap is Twilight’s fault, isn’t it?
Reign (CW) — It’s teenage Mary Queen Scots in… ooh maybe my cable company will get in a licensing dispute and they’ll have to take this channel off during the prolonged negotiations. Oh please oh please oh please.
Sean Saves the World (NBC) — Sean Hayes plays a gay guy. How do they come up with this stuff?!?
Sleepy Hollow (FOX) — Oh, to be headless.
Super Fun Night (ABC) — Wait, there were two big women in Bridesmaids?
The Tomorrow People (CW) — Teens with super special powers! Alas, none has the ability to prevent eroding viewership numbers and inevitable cancellation.
Trophy Wife (ABC) — Ah, Malin Akerman, she’s funny on Childrens Hospital. Can’t wait to see her reciting crummy dialogue in a generic sitcom.
We Are Men (CBS) — We Are Not Devo. I Am Not Watching.
Welcome to the Family (NBC) — I am totally pulling for this show and am a huge fan of Mary McCormack. Why do you assume I’m friends with her college roommate? That is a weird assumption to make.
Witches of East End (Lifetime) — I’m rooting for Eastwick in the big game.
I don’t have the patience to ramble through this. Which one or two shows do you recommend the most?
Note: I don’t have hbo, show time etc, and we just downgraded, so cable channels are at a minimum. We do get the station for “Dads” because we saw a commercial. Funnily enough you focus on the dads, while the commercial was more about the sons. Either way, I’ll watch it til Seth Green makes his first joke then turn it off forever, I think that’s what will happen.
Ok, sorry for the blather. What have I been watching you ask? Well, the past two weeks, due to circumstance, I’ve been watching the Daily Show while Jon Stewart is busy with Isareal I think. The fill-in dude is kind of funny. I don’t like the show’s politics and the guest segment is a complete drag, but other bits are ok.