Writing Experiment: 2011 in Puns and Wordplay in 1 Hr., 11 Min.

I wrote a Facebook status earlier: “Clearing out my 2011 puns. R.E.M. breakup = Stipe-end.”

That was it. Nothing earth-shattering. But, people liked it. “Liked” it. As I type this, 17 likes, 8 comments.

Now I’m home, I’ve had three beers, and I’m giving myself a challenge. Using Wikipedia’s entries on 2011 and 2011 in the United States, and an online countdown timer, I will spend the next hour and 11 minutes generating wordplay and puns based on the year’s events. In the morning(ish), I will correct typos, add any formatting and crucial hyperlinks, and share the results.

And I shall begin this experiment… now.

• Some asshole named Jared Lee Loughner shot Gabrielle Giffords and killed 6 people including Federal Judge John Roll. What a coward. I’d like to see Jared Lee and Roll alone, Roll alone, Roll alone.

• AOL huffed and huffed and blew the Post down.

• What? The Super Bowl is done and the winning QB left the stadium? Rodgers over and out?

• They said the Egyptian president wouldn’t resign till the cows came home. They did, to Moo-barracks.

• It’s February 14 and I want to watch TV. Wats-on? A computer playing Jeopardy.

• The King’s Speech won Best Picture even though the lead character had trouble even saying a-ward.

• I live in Chicago and I want to vote for Rahm for mayor but don’t know how to use this online ballot. Oh I’ll use this e-Manuel.

• Gilbert Gottfried got in trouble for making jokes about the natural disaster in Japan. Instead of his own name he should’ve used a pseudonami.

• The dickheaded moves against organized labor by the Wisconsin Senate and governor resulted in some collective barging-in at the state capitol building.

• The outlook on the U.S. long-term sovereign debt was downgraded for the first time ever. We went from being an awesome wealthy country to Standard and Poor.

• The President was pressured into releasing his long-form birth certificate because they wouldn’t just take the word of Barack’s Ol’-mama.

• At the wedding of Prince William and Catherine Middleton in a very famous British church the officiant asked the bride if she would honor and… just then she cut him off and said “Yes-Minister Obey.”

• The President announced that the world’s most wanted terrorist had been killed by highly trained troops. Were all their guns full of ammo when the raid began? Well Qaenda. Oh! Some had been loadin’.

• In Louisiana there was a lot of flooding and one kid was worried that a beloved doll of a comic-strip pinhead would be ruined. He was lucky, the rising waters Missed-his-Zippy. That body of water can be so troublesome, sometimes they wish they could do a Mississippi Reverse.

• The head of the International Monetary Fund got in some sexcapade trouble but the case began to unravel. For this Dummy-Naked, Stress-Gone.

• A pizza entrepreneur entered the presidential race. At the time, his not-yet-humiliated wife was asked if he could run a successful campaign after so many other non-politicians have failed. She said, Her-man Can.

• Dan won the Indy 500. Later in the year he tragically died in a fiery crash, Well-done.

• Cannot think of a pun for Anthony Weiner.

• Scandinavians had held themselves to higher standards till terrorists killed 76 people. A stunned citizen said, “Us, low? No way!”

• The L.A. national league team couldn’t dodge bankruptcy.

• The NBA started a lock out, with Allen Eye-verson as the lookout.

• A major book retailer faced financial problems and started Boardering up many of their stores.

• Congress finally increased the debt ceiling, causing jubilant constituents to raise the roof.

• After so many years, Jerry Lewis was deeply insulted to be dropped from the telethon by the Muscular Diss-trophy Association.

• Unemployment figures increased by one with Steve’s Job.

• Major damage was done by Hurricane Irene, and major damage was done to Hermancaine by accuser Irene.

• A new Spider-Man movie was announced, once again set in New York: Doc Occupy Wall Street.

• Why did Andy Rooney leave 60 Minutes? Ticked off?

• The guards are supposed to open the doors of this Italian prison but they don’t until Amanda Knox.

• The creep of the year? Jerry San-does-kids, who didn’t take a very Paterno-l role with the youngsters.

• People who forget what a crummy guy Newt was in the 90s need to take some Gingrich Biloba.

• I’m dying to get to all these people who passed away, but I’m running out of time.

• Should we pick up that guy going to heaven? Christopher Hitchin’.