Sorry, ladies, the Captain is off the market! Retired shortstop Derek Jeter has found true love at last with Sports Illustrated cover girl Hannah Davis. Salt in Wound has been granted an exclusive sneak peek at the happy couple’s bridal registry. Here is just a sampling of the items you can purchase to help these sweet kids begin their life together.
• His-and-her towels
• Kohler faucets emblazoned with “For the wet stuff coming out of wall”
• Cutlery with directional indicators
• Math workbook for counting above 2
• Fireplace starter logs that give $100 bills that “special glow”
• Bose flush-activated speakers announcing in the voice of Bob Sheppard, “No. 2, Derek Jeter. No. 2.”
• Childproof Gatorade bottle
• The Collected Poems of Rebecca Romijn-Stamos
• A new dishwasher and also a sleeping bag in the corner for her husband
• Paint-by-numbers pre-nup
Jack Silbert, curator