The Wit and Wisdom of Lee Israel, Vol. 7 (May 2012)

I try to post these more often than, you know, every 11 months, but medical and then technological difficulties kept me away from my stash of electronic correspondence with Lee Israel. Since we were last here, Melissa McCarthy was spotted in New York, dressed as Lee, as filming finally began on Can You Ever Forgive Me? Very soon after, she unveiled her wicked impression of press secretary Sean Spicer on Saturday Night Live. Can we thank Lee for McCarthy being in New York at just the right time?

Now we turn the clock back five years, to May 2012. At the end of our previous installment, Lee had told me that a parody of hers had been accepted by the New Yorker, after which I congratulated her. We begin this batch of emails with Lee’s reply to me, in late April….

4/25/12, 2:14 pm
Of course this means that we can no longer socialize …Seriously, I do have a problem with Julius’. There are so many damaged people there…See you soon Lee

5/2/12, 7:48 pm
[After I’d passed along an opportunity to edit a Ph.D. candidate’s dissertation:]

several

Jack I’ve been in touch with the PhD candidate. She and I will be working together when the paper is finished, in June. Good. I need the work and I’m grateful to you…Kilgallen re-optioned. More money. Less needy. But still not Doris Duke. Or even that cunt Nora Ephron. David went to a dinner party at her house. She has three fireplaces;.I have an old stove. See you soon? Lee

5/3/12, 9:41 am
{After I agreed to meet up:]

Let’s do it tonight (sounds sexy) at Julius’. Yes, Julius’. Get back to me asap Lee

12:28 pm
[Replying to my email with plans for getting together with our friend Jim that evening:]

Works for me. What time at Julius’? We’re not talking to Ray…I would like to have your phone number please Lee

5/7/12, 3:21 pm
Lee Israel sos (son of sam)

Jack I’m gonna look for the tel number you sent me. Meantime, call or email back. I’m having a technical problem with the copy sent to me by our PhD candidate. I only do PDF and that shakily. Maybe I can have her send it to you? Anyhow I alerted her. Get back to me if you’re there, please. lee

3:32 pm
SOS

Call me at 212-XXX-XXXX or email. I lost your telephone number. Lee

4:23 pm
She just emailed that she would convert it to PDF…Don’t sweat it… I have funny stories to tell when we meet. My problem with “browser” is odd. I don’t think it sounds like what it is in the way that an orange is an orange … I have a PC. But that’s not written anywhere so how would I know.

5/8/12, 10:45 am
Monday Monday

You were great to me yesterday. Thanks. Everything is working I think but I don’t know that the messages folded into the downtime ever arrived …About “bless you” outside the sneeze frame, I heard someone say that to Bill Maher (sp) and then apologize.

11:37 am
Note from Steve

OK now. I needed the color cartridge (almost said ribbon)…So far this has cost me almost eighty dollars…Again, bless you. But now you are in big trouble. I’ll be calling you with all my computer problems—– and they are considerable Steve (Jobs)

12:59 pm
I fixed it…Finally I am set to work. …She’s no Susan Sontag.

5/9/12, 4:25 pm
… but very interesting

Hi Jack Our PhD candidate is a horrible writer. Do they pay attention to style? Well, style is thought to some extent; and, worse, her topic is communication.She’s asked me to do punctuation and I can do that. I’ll do my best. and I’ m so glad to have the work. She and I are finally over my technical problems.I’ll learn to do the PDF stuff. .. A woman from India, probably making two dollars an hour, helped me install some corrupted software so that I could watch movies., such intelligence. I want to have her to dinner…What man would have said, “You can do this, Lee., and I will help you.” Lee

5/23/12, 7:27 pm
i could cry

i wish they’d stop showing his parents. It’s so painful! lee

9:05 pm
Baseball

If you read my last after the fact, you would have had not a clue. Tallulah

5/24/12, 2:08 am
A lot of Tallulahs were named after a waterfall in Georgia –something like that. It’s in my book….Let’s take him out, of course [our friend Jim, for his birthday] …Almost had a problem with the doctoral candidate and her mother. Tell you about it when I see you. Don’t worry. It was resolved and they are very, very apologetic. I don’t think they had any idea what the project would cost them..And I couldn’t’ have known either. .The baseball thing had to do with pitcher Will Smith’s major league debut and failing in front of his parents, who looked crestfallen..or crust fallen, as they say about dandruff sufferers… Let’s all get together soon..I have a very full plate and also a lot to do. That’s a joke….Lee

5/30/12, 4:06 pm
various

What’s up? …The PhD candidate, who oddly signs her name Dr., is to receive my edited manuscript tomorrow ..Hope she thinks it is worth the money..–When do we drink again? I’ve been very productively occupied, but now I’m a bit at liberty. P.S. Are you interested in investing in a business to provide wake-up calls to Yankee fans on days such as this? [The team had played a late game in Anaheim.] Lee

8:30 pm
[Regarding the still-in-negotiations movie based on her memoir and the first director attached to it:]

Fw: Re: Projects

Jack. I know you are gonna love this. Now you are in trouble. I am using you in a deal. Ha ha. Read on. Signed The Hollywood Shadow (aka Lee Israel)

From: Lee Israel
Subject: Re: Projects
To: David
Date: Wednesday, May 30, 2012, 8:26 PM

David Always good to take notes. And I am honored to be included. But I don’t understand why Balaban’s participation is now so relevant when it was just you and me contractually under the old contract negotiated by Lana Cantrell, the singer. I certainly don’t want Bob to make an entrance making rude demands, because then I would have to pull out. In any case. … I am leaving for for Mexico on 11 June, courtesy of my friend Jack Silbert. He has a house there and a darling pool and the trip is on him, except for the air fare. I’d like to have this settled, one way or the other, before I make plans to join him. I wouldn’t mind keeping Kilgallen, indemnifying me in my very old age. The interest in her, thank heavens, never seems to flag. … Lee

5/31/12, 4:25 pm
We’ve closed the deal. So, regretfully, I no longer need you or your hacienda or your stupid pool or your out-of-control, bandito-infested, refried country. ..

• Volume 1: 2005–6
• Volume 2: 2007–8
• Volume 3: 2009
• Volume 4: 2010
• Volume 5: 2011
• Volume 6: Apr. 2012