order of operations

You’ve all heard about Heath Ledger. He realized he was the fifth best Bob Dylan and went into a fatal spiral. So what’s your first move if you find him clinging to life and time is of the essence? According to Perez Hilton, you call Mary-Kate Olsen:

A masseuse, Diana Wolozin, arrived to give Mr. Ledger a massage at about 2:45 p.m. At 3 p.m., after Mr. Ledger did not emerge from his bedroom, with the door closed, the masseuse called him on his cellphone but got no answer. She saw him laying in bed. She took a massage table out of the closet and began to set it up near his bed. She then went over to him and shook him, but got no response. Using his cellphone, she used a speed-dial button to call Mary-Kate Olsen in California to seek her guidance, knowing Ms. Olsen to be a friend of Mr. Ledger’s. She told Ms. Olsen that Mr. Ledger was unconscious. Ms. Olsen said she would call some private security people she knew in New York, and hung up. Ms. Wolozin again shook Mr. Ledger, called Ms. Olsen a second time, and said she believed the situation was grave and would call 911.

Finding him unconscious would have seemed grave to me. And this timeline makes no sense:

Ms. Wolozin called 911 at 3:26 p.m. to say that Mr. Ledger was not breathing. The call occurred less than 15 minutes since she had first seen him in bed and only a few moments after the first call to Ms. Olsen. The 911 operator urged Ms. Wolozin to try to revive Mr. Ledger, but Ms. Wolozin’s efforts were not successful.

In the end, we’re left with a nightmarish vision of celebrity culture gone mad, one where pint sized wee talents command private security forces from across the country equal to those of the city of New York:

Emergency medical workers arrived at 3:33 p.m., at almost exactly the same moment as a private security guard summoned by Ms. Olsen. The medical workers moved his body to the floor and then used a defibrillator and CPR, to no avail. Mr. Ledger was pronounced dead at 3:36 p.m. By that point, two other private security guards summoned by Ms. Olsen had arrived, as had police officers.

So maybe Mary-Kate Olsen isn’t such a bad person to call in a crisis after all.

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