How Not To Go Viral

This morning, September 4, 2012, a dream died, live on the air. It was a dream that lasted 595 days, only to be coldly snuffed out when former NFL defensive end Michael Strahan was officially named the permanent co-host of Live! With Kelly. And though my efforts to land the job ultimately fell short, I enjoyed every minute, was heartened by the support of friends and strangers, and learned some valuable lessons.

Back on January 18, 2011, Regis Philbin announced he would be leaving his popular television program, Live With Regis and Kelly. That evening, I wrote and posted a tongue-in-cheek essay explaining why I was the perfect person to replace Regis. I ended that essay imploring readers to “Start the Facebook page. Launch the online petition. Send those Tweets. Re-Tweet,” a nod to the successful campaign for Betty White to host Saturday Night Live.

A thought occurred the next day: It might make the joke funnier if I created the Facebook page myself. You know, multimedia. Would get a few more people to read my essay, at the very least.

And then an interesting thing happened. People began to “like” the page, in greater numbers than I had anticipated. Sure, it was almost entirely from existing friends, but a couple of friends-of-friends signed up too, and that was kind of cool. Within a matter of days, I had more than 100 likes. And I actually dared to wonder, could this really be a thing? Could this… go viral?

The answer… was no.

After the great gains of the first couple of weeks, the likes leveled off, and then petered out. I realized I could take steps to approach a more viral spread—contact everyone I know, asking them to please please join, and begging them to ask everyone they knew to also sign up (and ask their friends, etc.). Except, I’m a little too lazy to do that. And even more importantly, I really don’t like to bother people. The goodwill of your friends is a pretty sacred thing, so you’ve really got to pick your spots.

Still, I enjoyed myself. I joked around with a couple of guys named Tony with rival Regis-replacement pages; one of the Tonys has become a pretty good pal. I’d put up a silly post on the Facebook page when the mood struck, but that was about it.

Until last December, that is. The Jersey Journal newspaper wanted to speak to me about my Facebook page. Huh? I wasn’t sure why this was happening, but, hey, there’s no such thing as bad publicity, right? They were sending over a reporter and photographer. Since I’d be getting “press,” I reminded Facebook friends to “like” the page if they hadn’t already. By the time the article ran, 15 more people had joined the effort.

The article was totally fun and truly summed up my life at that moment in time (even if they made me wear a goofy hat I had lying around). The reporter, Summer Hortillosa, seemed like a cool person and I’m happy to know her. (She wrote and directed a terrific play which I went to see here in Hoboken.) People seemed to enjoy the article and it was posted on the widely read nj.com. I thought, now my “likes” are really going to soar. This time I’m going viral.

Eleven. I got 11 more likes.

Oh well. Back to life, back to reality.

Until a month later. That’s when I received a message from Laura Griffin, a producer on WFMU’s Seven Second Delay. She wanted to know if I would be a guest on the show in two days to discuss this Regis thing. WFMU! Seven Second Delay! Two days! Me?!? Not only is WFMU the world’s greatest radio station and my favorite radio station which I have been donating to forever, but I love “Seven Second Delay.” It’s hosted by station manager Ken Freedman and noted curmudgeon/classic-era Letterman writer/Monk creator Andy Breckman. They have famous people on sometimes! I download the podcast and have attended live broadcasts at the UCB Theatre. Now I’d be on-stage with Ken and Andy at the UCB, interviewed live on the radio! This was the best thing ever! A zillion more people would like my page, and well-connected Andy would realize how hilarious I am, and my life would spin off in a very exciting direction. Oh, this would be good. Very good.

Likes. I needed more likes before I went on the air. Had to make a good impression, after all.

The day before the show, I coerced 59 more people to like the page, bringing me above the Facebook Mendoza Line of 200 likes. Not bad, not bad at all.

The interview was a complete blast. Andy gave me a lot of shit but I got in some decent zingers as well. (So wonderfully cruel to learn he’d been meeting with Regis about a potential TV project and yet this would not benefit me in any way, shape, or form.) My friends Liz and Therese were there to support me and that made me super happy. Afterwards, strangers said nice things and that made me smile too. I went home and prepared for the “likes” to roll right in from the show’s vast worldwide audience. (I even pre-posted a sad little welcome to all my hypothetical new blog readers.)

There are smaller numbers than 16, but there are larger numbers as well. Still, among those 16 fresh likes were a couple of the show’s producers, and Ken Freedman himself, and my link was posted on the Seven Second Delay Facebook page, and I appreciated all that quite a lot.

And then the next day, another very cool thing happened.

Do you know the band LCD Soundsystem? They had a top-10 album and appeared on The Colbert Report and their 2011 farewell concert at Madison Square Garden sold out instantly and there was a documentary about them at Sundance, etc. I went to high school with the band’s leader, James Murphy. We were in plays and Battles of the Bands and stuff like that and became pretty good buddies.

Though I don’t see him a lot these days, James and I have never lost touch. And about 24 hours after the radio show, I was extremely gratified when this showed up on the LCD Soundsystem Facebook page:

At the time, LCD Soundsystem page had about half a million Facebook fans. Now, maybe you had a favorite band and maybe that band broke up. For argument’s sake, let’s say that band was the Beatles. And, let’s say someone from that band issued a statement—not a publicist or anything, but, you know, an actual band member. Keeping with our example, let’s say Paul McCartney. And the statement basically said, hey, I’m the singer in your favorite band, could you do me a quick favor, please click on this link and hit “like,” hey thanks a lot. You’d do it, wouldn’t you? You’d go to the link, and you’d click like. Because Sir Paul asked you politely.

In the next couple of weeks, I got 44 more likes. Which is .0088% of 500,000 just in case you were wondering.

I do not know how to go viral.

In June, Live! With Kelly held a contest. The winner would co-host the show for a day. I submitted an entry video but never heard back.

Soon after, the rumor was that Saturday Night Live’s Seth Meyers would be named the full-time co-host. Then the Strahan news was leaked. And now the day is really here, and the deed is done. Was going to quietly change the Facebook page from “Should Replace” to “Should’ve Replaced” but apparently you can only edit the name if you have fewer than 200 likes. Tally as of this morning: 252 likes, with almost a fourth of those from people I don’t know (which is pretty freaking cool). It really was a good ride, but we seem to have reached the finish line.

Except… one day not too long ago, as I was leaving my apartment building, I ran into Johnny the UPS guy. Now that I work at home, I buzz him in fairly often, but I don’t think we’d formally met face-to-face.

“You’re that Jack guy, right?”

Yes. Yes I am.

“Saw you in the Hoboken Reporter. You’re trying to stir up some shit, huh? You want to replace Howard Stern.”

Not exactly, Johnny, not exactly. But, you know… pretty close. And it kind of dawned on me: We have come too far to back down now. People are counting on me. The dream never dies; the struggle never ends. Setbacks and roadblocks can only prove our mettle. I am not sure where we’re headed, but you better climb aboard, because the movement is still gaining steam and we will not be denied.