“Jack, it’s mid-September already, where’s your famous, annual, eagerly-anticipated fall TV preview post?” said absolutely no one. Well, haters, I wrote it anyway. Just like in 2012 and 2013, I have not seen any of these shows. (And if history is any indication, I never will see the great majority of them either.) I am once again prejudging all the new television offerings based solely on the capsule descriptions in the TV Guide Fall Preview. And awaaaay we go.
A to Z (NBC) — The guy from Mad Men who looked like Chachi plays someone named Andrew and his girlfriend is someone named Zelda (get it? get it? oh kill me now) and the series shows their entire relationship, beginning to end. I hope they can do it in three episodes, before C for Canceled.
The Affair (Showtime) — Vaguely curious to see McNulty from The Wire, but I’ll be cheating on this show with anything else airing at the same time, perhaps a test pattern.
Bad Judge (NBC) — Bad show? Guilty!
Black-ish (ABC) — Is this the one where James Spader is bald?
Constantine (NBC) — Another comic book I’ve never heard of becomes another show I’ll never watch.
Cristela (ABC) — It’s a.k.a. Pablo in a dress! No me interesa.
The Flash (CW) — The CW is still a network? Really? Hmm, I liked The Flash superhero when I was a kid but now that I think about it, being really really fast isn’t that compelling of a power, or else Usain Bolt would have his own reality series. (Note to self — Pitch Oscar Pistorius: Speed Kills to Bravo.)
Forever (ABC) — Not even one second.
Gotham (FOX) — How many godforsaken comic-book shows are there going to be?? Are we all nine years old?? Oh well, I guess I’ll watch it, but only because the guy playing not-yet-Commissioner Gordon looks like Chip who owns my local record store.
Gracepoint (FOX) — Broadchurch on BBC America was really good. Which means this American version will be less good, even though David Tennant is once again the star. Trivia: He played Doctor Who in England, where people are just as stupid as us but prefer time-traveling aliens to superheroes.
Happyland (MTV) — I’ll admit it: I have no idea where MTV is on my cable box. This is a fictional behind-the-scenes look at amusement park life. Adventureland was brilliant, The Way Way Back was meh, so if the pattern holds, this will be shit.
How To Get Away With Murder (ABC) — Dead on arrival.
The Intruders (BBC America) — A former L.A. cop moves to the Pacific Northwest where he crosses paths with a secret society known as Qui Reverti, whose members are devoted to hopelessly convoluted garbage on TV.
Jane the Virgin (CW) — She’s an accidentally artificially-inseminated virgin! I didn’t even read to the end of the description!
Kingdom (DirecTV) — A drama set in the idiotic world of mixed martial arts. It’s on DirecTV, so I have to put a satellite dish on my roof in order to not watch this.
Madam Secretary (NBC) — Téa Leoni plays a secretary who runs a whorehouse on the side. What? She plays the Secretary of State who also has to cope with the daily struggles of being a mom? I like my idea better.
Manhattan Love Story (ABC) — We hear the internal thoughts of a guy and girl in their brand-new relationship. Sample from first episode: “I can’t believe my agent made me audition for this stupid-ass show.”
Marry Me (NBC) — I really like Ken Marino from The State. And it breaks my heart every time the quirky funny people end up in these cookie-cutter awful shows. Mmmm… cookies….
The McCarthys (CBS) — In the spirit of the McCarthy hearings, I hope this show gets blacklisted. Oh wait, THAT’S the James Spader thing.
Mulaney (FOX) — I enjoy John Mulaney a whole lot as a stand-up comedian, and Martin Short is on my short list of favorite human beings ever. So yes I will watch this. (Even though — shhhhhh don’t tell anyone — it looks like it might maybe possibly be terrible.)
The Mysteries of Laura (NBC) — Last week I flipped on Jimmy Fallon to watch the Replacements, except he was interviewing Debra Messing, so I immediately turned it off. And that will be that as far as me seeing Debra Messing on NBC this year.
NCIS: New Orleans (CBS) — Scott Bakula can take a Quantum Leap off a short levee for all I care.
Red Band Society (FOX) — Was hoping this would be an hour of dirty movie trailers. No such luck, it’s sick kids. Oh joy.
Scorpion (CBS) — Am praying to be stung by one if I ever accidentally watch this.
Selfie (ABC) — No-ie.
Stalker (CBS) — Isn’t that always the way? Now that I finally know the difference between Dylan McDermott and Dermot Mulroney, I no longer give a rat’s ass.
State of Affairs (NBC) — Katherine Heigl plays a “top CIA attaché.” Wait, isn’t she normally in rom-coms with Dermot Mulroney? Or is that Gerard Butler?
Survivor’s Remorse (Starz) — A basketball comedy produced by LeBron James, because who knows the intricacies of comedy more than LeBron. Though in fairness, what a gut-bustingly hilarious title they gave the show.
Utopia (FOX) — This reality show, in which contestants try to build a new society, actually sounds pretty interesting. Too bad it is on FOX, which guanrantees that it is crummy.
Z Nation (Syfy) — The next time I turn on Syfy, I’ll be hung over and looking for Rod Serling.
Jack Silbert, curator