1.5 stars out of 5
The credits list three screenwriters but I have to think ChatGPT was behind this script, because it does not make a lick of sense. (Keywords: SUPERHEROES + NOT-YET-BLED-DRY YOUNG FEMALE AUDIENCE + OUTER SPACE) I’m a big fan of Brie Larson and the first Captain Marvel movie was… eh, mostly ok… so instead of sitting in my Quality Inn room all night, I headed to the theater. (My other options were Napoleon which I’d seen the night before, Trolls Band Together, Wish, and The Hunger Games Pt. 47.)
I’d seen the only other Captain Marvel movie, so I’d have no problem whatsoever following this, right? So very wrong. She is now living on a space station, taking calls from Samuel L. Jackson, who has such lame dialogue and makes so little effort throughout, I kept expecting him to say, “What’s in your wallet?” And there’s a blip on the radar. So they summon Monica Rambeau (Teyonah Parris) to help investigate. Hey, she’s the little girl who Captain Marvel knew on Earth in the first movie! Except how come she’s a grown woman now? Oh right, it’s because Captain Marvel was set in the ‘90s which I didn’t remember because I’m a casual viewer and it’s been 4.5 years including a freaking global pandemic and, oh yeah, Captain Marvel looks exactly the same after decades because she’s a space alien. Throw me a bone, Marvel!
And then there’s a whole Freaky Friday element, because teen Captain Marvel fangirl Kamala Khan (Iman Vellani) has one half of some golden galactic wrist armor (called “bangles” throughout because they’re pandering to a nonexistent female audience) and she keeps accidentally trading places with Monica and Captain Marvel. Wacky!! And she lives with her family in Jersey City and they filmed some here, woo Hudson County represent!, except it might as well be Toronto because you don’t get the slightest sense of geography. I might have known some of her backstory had I watched the streaming series Ms. Marvel but I didn’t even know it existed.
And remember the green Halloween-mask-wearing people from the first movie? They’re back, and warring with some other aliens (“FREE HALA!” the college-age aliens are posting on Instagram). The leader of the other aliens, Dar-Benn (Zawe Ashton) has the missing bangle! Oh I bet she’ll stop at nothing to retrieve the matching one! Oh, also, she’s got a mad grudge against Cap’n Marvel. Now, I figured all of this must’ve been covered in some streaming show but, no, this is the first anyone’s seen of Dar-Benn. Oh please, Marvel, needlessly complicate things further, won’t you?
I don’t know what else to tell you, except that glowing tiles keep coming loose from the universe’s ceiling. The movie alternates between nonsensical pseudo-scientific speak, and forced “fun” sequences aimed hard at Barbie viewers who are skipping this in droves. I’ve said it before and I’ll keep saying: Marvel, please get back to basics and make a movie with one hero fighting one villain on Earth. The Universe starts with u.
Jack Silbert, curator