It’s mid-September and I really should be back at school. But before I matriculate (hey now!), my beloved Fall TV Preview returns after a four-year hiatus. The rules, for those who are new or need a refresher:
1) I have not seen any of these programs, and for the great majority never will.
2) I am basing my opinions based solely on the capsule descriptions in TV Guide’s Fall Preview 2018 issue, which I bought in physical form for the first time in many years. This adds the exciting risk of a paper cut to the proceedings.
Magnum P.I. (CBS) — My family had a poster of Tom Selleck in our guest room but I never watched the show and I don’t like macadamia nuts and I’ll be skipping this reboot too.
Murphy Brown (CBS) — I’ll tune in at least once, just to see how decrepit everyone looks. Am still trying to live down the lurid rumors which sprang from my selfie with Grant “Miles Silverberg” Shaud.
Legacies (CW) — Something with vampires. Sucks.
Dancing With the Stars: Juniors (ABC) — I can’t wait to see a 10-year-old celebrity has-been hobbled by a torn Achilles.
Charmed (CW) — Wait, they’re rebooting this? So… it’s not still on the air? Instead, will watch vintage slo-mo footage of Alyssa Milano on YouTube.
The Purge (USA) — TV version of the movie series in which one night a year, all crime is legal. But 365 nights a year, I won’t watch this.
Mayans M.C. (FX) — Looked at this too quickly and thought it was another goddamn Wayans brothers show.
The Rookie (ABC) — Maybe a rookie TV viewer would watch this cop show but I’m a wily old veteran. Fun fact: I have no idea who Nathan Fillion is.
Rel (FOX) — Nah.
Happy Together (CBS) — High concept alert: Accountant’s calm suburban life is upended when his pop-star client moves in! If that’s not enough reason not to watch, the accountant is Damon Wayans Jr.
The Neighborhood (CBS) — High concept alert: One of the white guys from New Girl (only saw it at the gym with the sound off so never caught their names) moves to a black neighborhood, and Cedric the Entertainer is apprehensive! So am I! About this show!
FBI (CBS) — POS.
New Amsterdam (CBS) — A hospital drama, but I already put in my time watching Code Black, so, I’m good.
The Good Cop (Netflix) — Tony Danza is a rule-breaking former cop and Josh Groban is his by-the-book officer son. I am actually going to watch this, as it was created by WFMU’s Andy Breckman (who also created Monk and was a Letterman writer), even though he was pretty mean to me when I was a guest on Seven Second Delay.
A Million Little Things (ABC) — Is this based on that bullshit “memoir” that Oprah got snookered by? Wait, you’re telling me there’s actually going to be a movie based on that book? Oh fer Christ’s sake.
All American (CW) — A promising football player from the ‘hood is recruited by a Beverly Hills high school, and Cedric the Entertainer is apprehensive!
The Cool Kids (FOX) — Wacky hijinks at a retirement home. Haven’t we all had enough Vicki Lawrence in our lives by now? I mean really.
The Romanoffs (Amazon) — Anthology series from Mad Men creator Matthew Weiner, in which everyone claims to be a descendant of Russian royalty. I’ll watch even though I sat through some movie Weiner made and it was total garbage.
Single Parents (ABC) — I’ll give it one chance because I’m a fan of SNL’s Taran Killam, but I worry about a show whose target demographic is likely too busy to tune in.
You (Lifetime) — A bookstore manager dude starts stalking a beautiful customer and, oh, how surprising, this is on Lifetime!
Wanderlust (Netflix) — A psychologist suffers a bad bike accident and gets a second chance at life, but instead just lies in bed binge-watching crummy shows on Netflix about psychologists getting a second chance at life.
The Kominsky Method (Netflix) — Michael Douglas in a show by schlockmeister Chuck Lorre. The Silbert Method: Don’t watch.
Homecoming (Amazon) — Julia Roberts plays a fading superstar who accepts a role on a website where people buy socks and toiletries.
Kidding (Showtime) — I dig director Michel Gondry, and I dislike Jim Carrey much less than I used to, so… I won’t watch. JK, I will.
Camping (HBO) — Jennifer Garner and David Tennant, and my cousin Ilene is a producer or something, so I’m sure it will be fantastic and hilarious and everyone should watch.
The Alec Baldwin Show (ABC) — He’s here from downtown, he’s here from Mitch & Murray, and he’s on mission of mercy. Oh, has he got your attention now?
Maniac (Netflix) — A sci-fi thing in which Jonah Hill mysteriously alternates between skinny and fat. Plus: Emma Stone!
The Kids Are Alright (ABC) — It’s the 70s in the L.A. suburbs and this family is raising eight boys. Uh, no thanks, I’ve already seen The Brady Bunch and Eight Is Enough.
The Conners (ABC) — I’ll probably tune in once to, you know, strike a blow for racial equality and all, but I can’t imagine the tired 90s sitcom writing from last season will improve one bit.
I Feel Bad (NBC) — I feel bad that I’m not going to watch it. No I don’t! Smell ya later, Homes!
Manifest (NBC) — A flight takes off in 2013 and lands in 2018, only to learn this show was canceled in 2015.
God Friended Me (CBS) — God shows up on Facebook. His first post: “Thou shalt not watch.”
Previous fall TV previews:
2014
2013
2012
Jack Silbert, curator