New Year’s Resolutions 2016

1. Get one step closer to the Almighty.
2. Get one degree closer to Kevin Bacon.
3. Remove plastic before eating processed cheese slices.
4K resolution.
5. Cut down on my cocaine use when I go to whorehouses with Lamar Odom.
6. Convince Europeans that 9/11 didn’t happen in November.
7. Demand that networks stop saying “only THREE more episodes until the fall finale” when we all know they’re just going to show crappy repeats over the holidays like they’ve always done.
8. Reduce my carbon footprint. Wait, that’s not carbon I just stepped in. Ew.
9. Figure out who broke up with who in that Adele song.
10. Figure out who zoomed who in that Aretha Franklin song.
11. Write hilarious sitcom pilot about some ultra-right-wing, pathetic aging bully I went to high school with who’s suddenly forced to be roommates with a Syrian refugee.
12. Sell Fitbits to members of 12-step programs.
13. Be more patient with people who drone on and on about remote-control unmanned aerial vehicles.
14. Get permission from Bloom County guy to feature Bill the Cat in my one-ack play.
15. Don’t let nobody take away my Second Amendment rights!! I will NOT make unto thee any graven image — and Obama can’t force me to! USA USA USA!!
16. Create hip-hop musical about George Hamilton.
17. Quit telling people that C-3PO got that red arm from too much auto-robotic pleasuring.
18. Whip/Nae Nae in Whippany, New Jersey.
19. Look both ways before crossing Meryl Streep.
20. Always let my conscience be my guide. Except in the Himalayas, where a Sherpa really makes a lot more sense.
21. Buy a pharmaceutical company, make everything cost a nickel, plus toss in some M&M’s or something like that just for giggles.
22. If I can’t be with the one I love, love the one I’m with. And if I’m not with anyone, totally Threepio it up, aw yeah!
23. Train therapy gerbils for stressed-out therapy dogs.
24. Submit legislation to move presidential election years off of Leap Years, because, really, an extra goddamn day of this nonsense, who’s with me?!?
25. Try to become a better person, or, failing that, reach new high score on Donkey Kong.

• My resolutions for 2015
• My resolutions for 2014
• My resolutions for 2013
• My resolutions for 2012