kids say the darndest things

Swallow Me Elmo

My 11 year old son finds this to be the creepiest costume in the catalog.

Recurring themes

Keenan told me that a kid was belittling him for not knowing who the Backstreet Boys were, or any other hip hop or rap groups. (The Backstreet Boys fit into neither of these categories and peaked when he was 2, so he gets major points for not even being able to come up with a […]

"search terms"

The other day Isa told us about watching a youtube video where a man is doing martial arts and “a mysterious brown bulge” begins to come out of his butt, or something gross like that. Isa knows she’s only allowed to go to youtube for something specific, like a bird video, she’s not allowed to […]

This posting is Rated R

Last week the New York State Department of Health ramped up its campaign to equate smoking in films with an R rating, taking out full-page ads in every major state newspaper containing pre-written clip-and-mail letters to major studio executives. I decided to make this the basis of a dinnertime civic discussion with my 10-year old […]

Grimace, indeed

Keenan’s class will soon be going on a three-day field trip to Space Camp in Montreal. (I didn’t know the Canadians had a space program; then it occurred to me that this probably was the Canadian space program.) When told were told the trip would include a stop at the mega-McDonalds just on the US […]

"Friday Night Lights"

Everyone is always telling me to see this show. “You have to see Friday Night Lights. You’ve never seen Friday Night Lights?” They said it was a little jewel, and I believed them. Friday night, I watched for twenty minutes. Here is what I saw: Boys squaring off in fights. Men menacing boys. Men protecting […]

my war with cyclists (continued)

My wife Bernie doesn’t like it when I yell, honk, or otherwise engage cyclists, when our daughter Isa is in the car. The subsequent mass flipping off and indignant screams of “fuck you!” are completely predictable and, in Bernie’s opinion, easily avoidable. That’s why I don’t yell at cyclists when Isa is in the car…unless […]

NPR Humor

On a recent road trip, NPR was humming along in the background, barely audible. There was laughter, so John turned up the volume. It was a woman telling a Thanksgiving story, about being filled with stress about her parents coming to New York City to see her. She spoke in what I can only call […]

Salt in Wound never sleeps

My 10-year old son Keenan made this joke based closely on our actual daily commuting experience: Two people were riding down a bike path when they saw the intersection ahead was blocked by a giant vehicle with tinted windows. One said to the other, “Should we go in front of it or behind it?”The other […]

canned laughter

This morning, my nine year-old daughter Isa aired a complaint about her math class from the back of the car: “They’re all craving laughter so badly, they’ll laugh even when the teacher makes the teensiest mistake, then they’ll all laugh luxuriously, like that was so funny. And I’m thinking if they’re craving laughter so badly, […]