Andy from 24: Legacy and Andy from The Office
Betsy DeVos’s First Actions in Office
Today, the U.S. Senate confirmed the supremely unqualified Betsy DeVos as secretary of the Department of Education. Ignoring her many critics, the billionaire has just announced the first sweeping initiatives to prove she can more than handle this important position.
— Pick up dry cleaning for the boss to show I’m a real good secretary! Wait, what? I’M the boss?? Schnikeys!
— Out: tater tots, chocolate milk. In: beluga caviar, Chateau Lafite.
— Switch to No. 3 pencils, because No. 2 always reminds me of doody.
— Update Pledge of Allegiance to read “One nation, under Jesus Christ, ultimate leader of the only true religion and anyone who doesn’t believe that is doomed to eternal hellfire…”
— Something about vouchers, which I like! (Note to self: Find out what a voucher is.)
— Build a wall around all Spanish classes.
— Three weeks at my favorite resort on St. Bart’s. This secretarying is exhausting!
— Do some serious research into this whole “public school” thing, but if they’re anything like public golf courses, uh, no thank you!
— Institute program to end bullying once and for all, except against gay kids because that is just gross.
— Posters in every school across the country: “The only way to stop a bad grizzly with a gun is a good grizzly with a gun.”
Movie Review: Café Society
4 stars out of 5
Since 1991, I’d seen 24 of the previous 25 Woody Allen films in the theater. (For you trivia nerds: Melinda and Melinda) And in the past handful of years, I’ve enjoyed a ritual of seeing Woody’s annual summer release. In the dark, air-conditioned theater, it was like taking a little vacation to the destination of Woody’s choosing.
Café Society was released on August 5, 2016. The problem being, I didn’t go to the movies from August 5-21. Or since then either. You see, first was the Summer Olympics, and I do enjoy me some Olympics. And then shortly after the Olympic flame was extinguished, I found myself hospitalized. So, among the other indignities I’d face over the following five months, I missed my yearly visit with the Woodman.
Thanks to a helpful neighbor and the services of my local library, I was able to recently obtain and view a DVD copy of Café Society. It’s winter and I was not in the enveloping comfort of a cinema, but I still enjoyed the movie quite a lot. The film re-teams Jesse Eisenberg and Kristen Stewart, who costarred in my favorite movie of 2009, Adventureland. It’s the 1930s and Eisenberg plays Bobby Dorfman, a nice Jewish boy from the Bronx who heads to Hollywood to improve his fortunes. Eisenberg, by choice or direction, is the latest in a long line of Woody stand-ins, and he has a lot of fun with the voice and mannerisms.
Bobby hopes his Uncle Phil will help him find work. That’s Steve Carell, portraying Michael Scott with a lot more confidence and success. Phil is a top Hollywood agent, and an amusing running gag has his conversations constantly being interrupted by important calls and stop-and-chatters, quickly discussing imminent deals involving Golden Era celebs.
Phil asks his comely secretary Veronica (Vonnie) to show Bobby around. That would be Kristen Stewart, and if you were wondering whether I still love her with short hair, well yes, yes I do. Vonnie’s midwest down-to-earthness is the antithesis to their La La Land surroundings, and Bobby falls hard. Alas, Vonnie has a boyfriend. Who turns out to be… the already-married and significantly older Uncle Phil. D’ohhh!
Now, in Woody’s lesser works, he’d milk this comic scenario for what it’s worth, find a way for some characters to escape happily, and ride gently into the sunset. But modern Woody has a headful of deep thoughts, which he smoothly incorporates to raise the film to another level. He deals with morality, family obligations, intelligentsia vs. brutishness, New York vs. L.A., losing your religion, unrequited love, requited love, and lasting regrets.
In addition to the leads, we get some really nice casting. Jeannie Berlin, fresh off her terrific performance as the district attorney in HBO’s The Night Of, is great as Bobby’s mom/Phil’s sister back in the Bronx. Parker Posey and Paul “Remember when I was in the Parks & Recreation cast? No?” Schneider are believable as New York socialites. Lively Blake Lively is the New York girl Bobby meets who… is also named Veronica! D’ohh! We also get Paulie Walnuts, Barney from Raising Hope, and Laura Palmer. (She’s alive!)
Woody himself is also around, as the film’s narrator. His voice does sound a little tired, but his script is sharp as ever. (A hilarious early set piece with Bobby and a Jewish prostitute is classic Woody.)
The film is shot and lit beautifully. It’s as if 85% of the story takes place during the “magic hour” — the settings glow. And Woody gets to freely insert the old-timey music he loves so much.
The only thing that was jarring to me was seeing “Amazon Studios” in the opening credits, but these are the current financial realities of filmmaking. Nevertheless, I’m already excited about 2017’s Untitled Woody Allen Project, when I’ll be back in a dark, air-conditioned theater.
Goodnight P.T. Barnum
This weekend, Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus announced that after 146 years, they’d be folding up the tents and coming to town no more. It was pretty shocking news to see. The circus just seemed like one of those forever things. But I guess forever ain’t what it used to be.
When I was a little fella, my family took me to see the Barnum & Bailey Circus at the Oakland-Alameda County Coliseum Arena. I was immediately transfixed. Animal trainer Gunther Gebel-Williams, an Aryan superman, was instantly a new hero. Also, he had a really cool name. The oversized program my folks bought for me — with a poster inside! — became a treasured possession.
Flash-forward to my senior year in college in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. The circus was coming to town. But this wasn’t just any appearance by the red or blue units that criss-crossed the country. This was the end of the season, and the very end of Gebel-Williams’ two-year farewell tour. His final performance would be on November 18, 1990, at Pittsburgh’s Civic Arena. I quickly bought a ticket. There were not many other 21 year olds in attendance that night, but I had to cheer for the great trainer one more time.
I’d make it to the Barnum & Bailey Big Top only once more. It was a few years later, and I was working on an article about clowns for a children’s magazine. To contact Ringling Bros.’ Clown College in Baraboo, Wisconsin, I had to go through publicist Barbara Pflughaupt, who also had an incredibly cool name. Barbara promised that when the circus came through New York City, she’d take me. She was good to her word, so I found myself at Madison Square Garden. Two things stick in my head from that day: Riding an elevator with Joe Franklin, and once again being under the spell of that old circus magic.
Those of you with kids have maybe been to the circus more recently. Perhaps it was no longer the Greatest Show on Earth. Without the elephants — removed after much, much protestation of animal cruelty — maybe some key element (elephant?) was lost. I kind of loved reading about the elephants walking through the Queens-Midtown Tunnel and into Manhattan to the Garden each year; it seemed like such a cool throwback in our ever-changing world.
I went to a few other circuses over my lifetime — including a parking-lot circus in Lawrenceville, New Jersey, with a date in the very early ’90s (my only memory being that she made me pay for everything), and a Soviet Union circus on a high school trip in 1987 just after my senior year, where the cheap netting didn’t seem like ample protection from the tigers. All I can say is, nothing else came remotely close to the majesty, mystery, professionalism, and wonder of the Barnum & Bailey show. Seems a real shame for it to disappear, for tomorrow’s kids. And what of P.T. Barnum’s legacy? Will it only be the (likely misattributed) quote “There’s a sucker born every minute”? We already know that all too well.
Pilgrimage to P.T. Barnum’s grave, Bridgeport, CT
Similar Names, Different Callings III
ABC News White House correspondent Jon Karl…
…and former MDA Telethon hostess Jann Carl.
New Year’s Resolutions 2017
1. Dedicate myself 100% to my physical rehabilitation, oh wait, I don’t think I’ve ever seen this episode of Two Broke Girls.
2. Create an orange juice that is just completely pulp.
3. Hack Russian government computers; affect outcome of Yakov Smirnoff lookalike contest.
4. Decide definitively whether to say “two thousand seventeen,” “twenty seventeen,” or “two! zero! one! seven!” in a loud, ridiculous falsetto.
5. Introduce my self-driving car to my self-cleaning oven.
6. Withdraw from European Union; enter Gabrielle Union.
7. Stop giving my Amazon Echo the silent treatment.
8. Participate in negotiations so Mexico doesn’t have to pay for the entire wall but maybe just the moulding?
9. Buy a virtual reality headset, sit around looking like a jagoff for a couple of days, then put it on a shelf in the closet and forget about it.
10. Keep smiling, keep shining, knowing you can always count on me, for sure, that’s what friends are for. And also for borrowing money.
Movie Review: Allied
3 stars out of 5
Here’s another one I saw a ton of commercials for. It’s 1942 and hey military guy Brad Pitt, your Frenchy wife Marion Cotillard might be a German spy. So this means: A) She is a spy. B) She’s not a spy. C) In a crazy twist, HE’S the spy.
Well, I won’t spoil it for you, as it’s an entertaining enough flick to watch at home or perhaps on a plane. Director Robert Zemeckis does a decent job making us feel that we’re in wartime Casablanca (where military operatives Pitt and Cotillard pretend to be husband and wife) and London (where they actually become husband and wife). Life is now good for our heroes. Well, except for this pesky matter of, maybe she’s a spy.
This is the first time I’ve seen Brad Pitt in a movie where I’ve thought, “He’s not as handsome as he used to be.” It’s like his face is getting flatter and that is not flattering. And his character is kind of taciturn, so things are a little bit slow in the early going. Ah, but it definitely picks up in a — dare I say it? — hot scene when the couple first hooks up during a sandstorm. Marion Cotillard is as handsome as she used to be.
Pitt’s commanding officer is Lane from Mad Men. Good to see him getting work. Lizzy Caplan doesn’t get much to do as Pitt’s lesbian sister.
There are uniforms and guns and WWII aircraft and is she a spy and things get pretty tense and the movie for the most part is very watchable. Unfortunately, things take a real turn for the stupid late in the game. Pitt’s field trip to France looks like an outtake from Hogan’s Heroes. And then the big reveal is based on something so monumentally idiotic, any true film fans will sadly shake their heads. Maybe a German spy could’ve snagged an early copy of the script and made a few edits.
Movie Review: Arrival
3 stars out of 5
I haven’t seen a new theatrical release in about five months. After seeing Arrival (don’t ask how), I’m thinking maybe I didn’t miss too much.
Laid up in the hospital, I saw countless commercials for Arrival and interviews with its star, Amy Adams. And I’d think, “Hmm, if I wasn’t laid up in the hospital, I’d probably go see that.” I like thoughtful sci-fi, which this purported to be. Then at last watching the movie (I said don’t ask how!), it had a glacially slow pace — a familiar hallmark of thoughtful sci-fi. Except this was just kind of, well, boring.
Director Dennis Villaneuve (I think that’s spelled right, but current circumstances dictate that I can only type this review on my phone, so cut me a little slack, willya?) must be a big Spielberg fan. There are echoes of both Close Encounters (base camp near big ominous spacecraft) and E.T. (the “bad guys” in intimidating hazmat suits emerging from makeshift tent headquarters). But those movies oozed a sense of wonderment, where Arrival seems too self-serious to really try for that.
Amy Adams — as the translator brought in to talk with aliens — is solid as always (though not Oscar worthy in my humble opinion). A kinder, gentler Jeremy Renner is pleasing as her scientist partner. Forest Whitaker is forgettable as the military dude in charge, and Michael Stuhlberg — as, uh, somebody else in charge? — was much better in Boardwalk Empire and A Serious Man.
The pre-release press told me I’d be blown away by the ending. Alas, I was not. The movie is admittedly well-made and did hold my attention throughout. But it’s so busy tackling love, loss, war, peace, and “can’t we all get along” that it forgets to have very much fun.
Now if I could just figure out a way to see Rogue One….
Movie Review: The Shallows
2.5 stars out of 5
This was written by a guy named Anthony Jaswinski, and you have to wonder if he was nicknamed “Jaws” as a kid. And if so, did he start to daydream, “I’d like to make a shark movie someday….” Me, I’m not real big on shark flicks, or shark weeks, or sharknados. (Though, full disclosure, I did maybe sorta write a book on the topic.) Movie-wise, it begins and ends with the classic Jaws, right?
Ah, but this is also a surfing movie. Well, coincidentally, I’m not into those either. Also, I wasn’t 100% sure who the star Blake Lively was. I do know she’s been a famous pretty person for a while, and I think we used to mention her in the kids’ magazines I worked on. But, it was a lazy $6 day at the theater up the street, so The Shallows seemed liked a mindless way to kill 90 minutes in the air conditioning. Surfing + shark + pretty person? Hey, why not.
The movie begins with one of those Ominous Foreshadowing Scenes. But after that it’s all sunshine and gorgeous scenery as Nancy (Lively) catches a ride to a secret secluded beach in Mexico. She’s also working the smartphone and, bummer, her friend back at the hotel has a wicked hangover and probably won’t be joining her. Which is really OK, as it turns out this is sort of a “vision quest” for Nancy, to the beach her dead mom visited just before Nancy was born. And in a tense call with dad, we learn she’s also taking unexpected time off from med school. Nancy is finding herself, yo.
At the beach, there are gratuitous pretty-girl-in-bikini and then pretty-girl-in-bikini-squeezes-into-a-wetsuit-top sequences. But soon, Nancy is hanging ten — and by god she’s good! She even impresses the two initially skeptical Mexican surfer dudes who are also out there. As they day grows late, the guys start to head back, recommending that Nancy do the same. No, she wants to ride in just one more wave.
Hands up if you think that was a bad decision.
Supporting her choice wholeheartedly is a great white shark. A nasty, powerful, incredibly persistent shark. And it’s then that the movie enters Woman vs. Shark mode. Now, maybe Blake Lively isn’t the world’s most believable med student, but I did buy her as someone tossed into a survivor situation who becomes MacGyver on a Rock. I was very pleased she didn’t spend the rest of the film shrieking and flailing. This is the movie’s strength: It opts for slow-building tension instead of sudden jolts. In fact, when it tries for “jump out of your seat” moments, the film generally, uh, flounders. The genuinely most surprising thing was in the closing credits, when I saw that the movie was filmed in Australia, not Mexico. Nice fakeout with director Jaume Collet-Serra; he’s Spanish, not Mexican!
Please don’t let me give you the false impression that this is a really good movie; it’s not. But it is pretty entertaining, decently shot, and not overly exploitative. Things only get really stupid fairly late in the film, knocking my rating down half a star. See, I’m less shallow than you thought.
Aquarium Playlist, 6/28/16
EPISODE #239: CASEY KASEM TRIBUTE 2016
“The New Scooby-Doo Movies” [ALTERNATE THEME]
Wings — “Listen to What the Man Said” [Billboard No. 1, 7/19/75]
Bee Gees — “Jive Talkin’” [No. 1, 8/9/75 – 8/16/75]
David Bowie — “Fame” [No. 1, 9/20/75 and 10/4/75]
Bay City Rollers — “Saturday Night” [No. 1, 1/3/76]
Diana Ross — “Theme from Mahogany (Do You Know Where You’re Going To)” [No. 1, 1/24/76]
Paul Simon — “50 Way To Leave Your Lover” [No. 1, 2/7/76 – 2/21/76]
The Four Seasons — “December, 1963 (Oh What a Night)” [No. 1, 3/13/76 – 3/27/76]
Wings — “Silly Love Songs” [No. 1, 5/22/76 and 6/12/76 – 7/3/76]
Desmond Dekker & the Aces — “Israelites” [long-distance dedication]
Diana Ross — “Love Hangover” [No. 1, 5/29/76 – 6/5/76]
Bee Gees — “You Should Be Dancing” [No. 1, 9/4/76]
Stevie Wonder — “I Wish” [No. 1, 1/22/77]
Manfred Mann’s Earth Band — “Blinded by the Light” [No. 1, 2/19/77]
Jack’s Aquarium podcast is proudly recorded in Hoboken, NJ.
Jack Silbert, curator