ABC News White House correspondent Jon Karl…
…and former MDA Telethon hostess Jann Carl.
New Year’s Resolutions 2017
1. Dedicate myself 100% to my physical rehabilitation, oh wait, I don’t think I’ve ever seen this episode of Two Broke Girls.
2. Create an orange juice that is just completely pulp.
3. Hack Russian government computers; affect outcome of Yakov Smirnoff lookalike contest.
4. Decide definitively whether to say “two thousand seventeen,” “twenty seventeen,” or “two! zero! one! seven!” in a loud, ridiculous falsetto.
5. Introduce my self-driving car to my self-cleaning oven.
6. Withdraw from European Union; enter Gabrielle Union.
7. Stop giving my Amazon Echo the silent treatment.
8. Participate in negotiations so Mexico doesn’t have to pay for the entire wall but maybe just the moulding?
9. Buy a virtual reality headset, sit around looking like a jagoff for a couple of days, then put it on a shelf in the closet and forget about it.
10. Keep smiling, keep shining, knowing you can always count on me, for sure, that’s what friends are for. And also for borrowing money.
Movie Review: Allied
3 stars out of 5
Here’s another one I saw a ton of commercials for. It’s 1942 and hey military guy Brad Pitt, your Frenchy wife Marion Cotillard might be a German spy. So this means: A) She is a spy. B) She’s not a spy. C) In a crazy twist, HE’S the spy.
Well, I won’t spoil it for you, as it’s an entertaining enough flick to watch at home or perhaps on a plane. Director Robert Zemeckis does a decent job making us feel that we’re in wartime Casablanca (where military operatives Pitt and Cotillard pretend to be husband and wife) and London (where they actually become husband and wife). Life is now good for our heroes. Well, except for this pesky matter of, maybe she’s a spy.
This is the first time I’ve seen Brad Pitt in a movie where I’ve thought, “He’s not as handsome as he used to be.” It’s like his face is getting flatter and that is not flattering. And his character is kind of taciturn, so things are a little bit slow in the early going. Ah, but it definitely picks up in a — dare I say it? — hot scene when the couple first hooks up during a sandstorm. Marion Cotillard is as handsome as she used to be.
Pitt’s commanding officer is Lane from Mad Men. Good to see him getting work. Lizzy Caplan doesn’t get much to do as Pitt’s lesbian sister.
There are uniforms and guns and WWII aircraft and is she a spy and things get pretty tense and the movie for the most part is very watchable. Unfortunately, things take a real turn for the stupid late in the game. Pitt’s field trip to France looks like an outtake from Hogan’s Heroes. And then the big reveal is based on something so monumentally idiotic, any true film fans will sadly shake their heads. Maybe a German spy could’ve snagged an early copy of the script and made a few edits.
Movie Review: Arrival
3 stars out of 5
I haven’t seen a new theatrical release in about five months. After seeing Arrival (don’t ask how), I’m thinking maybe I didn’t miss too much.
Laid up in the hospital, I saw countless commercials for Arrival and interviews with its star, Amy Adams. And I’d think, “Hmm, if I wasn’t laid up in the hospital, I’d probably go see that.” I like thoughtful sci-fi, which this purported to be. Then at last watching the movie (I said don’t ask how!), it had a glacially slow pace — a familiar hallmark of thoughtful sci-fi. Except this was just kind of, well, boring.
Director Dennis Villaneuve (I think that’s spelled right, but current circumstances dictate that I can only type this review on my phone, so cut me a little slack, willya?) must be a big Spielberg fan. There are echoes of both Close Encounters (base camp near big ominous spacecraft) and E.T. (the “bad guys” in intimidating hazmat suits emerging from makeshift tent headquarters). But those movies oozed a sense of wonderment, where Arrival seems too self-serious to really try for that.
Amy Adams — as the translator brought in to talk with aliens — is solid as always (though not Oscar worthy in my humble opinion). A kinder, gentler Jeremy Renner is pleasing as her scientist partner. Forest Whitaker is forgettable as the military dude in charge, and Michael Stuhlberg — as, uh, somebody else in charge? — was much better in Boardwalk Empire and A Serious Man.
The pre-release press told me I’d be blown away by the ending. Alas, I was not. The movie is admittedly well-made and did hold my attention throughout. But it’s so busy tackling love, loss, war, peace, and “can’t we all get along” that it forgets to have very much fun.
Now if I could just figure out a way to see Rogue One….
Movie Review: The Shallows
2.5 stars out of 5
This was written by a guy named Anthony Jaswinski, and you have to wonder if he was nicknamed “Jaws” as a kid. And if so, did he start to daydream, “I’d like to make a shark movie someday….” Me, I’m not real big on shark flicks, or shark weeks, or sharknados. (Though, full disclosure, I did maybe sorta write a book on the topic.) Movie-wise, it begins and ends with the classic Jaws, right?
Ah, but this is also a surfing movie. Well, coincidentally, I’m not into those either. Also, I wasn’t 100% sure who the star Blake Lively was. I do know she’s been a famous pretty person for a while, and I think we used to mention her in the kids’ magazines I worked on. But, it was a lazy $6 day at the theater up the street, so The Shallows seemed liked a mindless way to kill 90 minutes in the air conditioning. Surfing + shark + pretty person? Hey, why not.
The movie begins with one of those Ominous Foreshadowing Scenes. But after that it’s all sunshine and gorgeous scenery as Nancy (Lively) catches a ride to a secret secluded beach in Mexico. She’s also working the smartphone and, bummer, her friend back at the hotel has a wicked hangover and probably won’t be joining her. Which is really OK, as it turns out this is sort of a “vision quest” for Nancy, to the beach her dead mom visited just before Nancy was born. And in a tense call with dad, we learn she’s also taking unexpected time off from med school. Nancy is finding herself, yo.
At the beach, there are gratuitous pretty-girl-in-bikini and then pretty-girl-in-bikini-squeezes-into-a-wetsuit-top sequences. But soon, Nancy is hanging ten — and by god she’s good! She even impresses the two initially skeptical Mexican surfer dudes who are also out there. As they day grows late, the guys start to head back, recommending that Nancy do the same. No, she wants to ride in just one more wave.
Hands up if you think that was a bad decision.
Supporting her choice wholeheartedly is a great white shark. A nasty, powerful, incredibly persistent shark. And it’s then that the movie enters Woman vs. Shark mode. Now, maybe Blake Lively isn’t the world’s most believable med student, but I did buy her as someone tossed into a survivor situation who becomes MacGyver on a Rock. I was very pleased she didn’t spend the rest of the film shrieking and flailing. This is the movie’s strength: It opts for slow-building tension instead of sudden jolts. In fact, when it tries for “jump out of your seat” moments, the film generally, uh, flounders. The genuinely most surprising thing was in the closing credits, when I saw that the movie was filmed in Australia, not Mexico. Nice fakeout with director Jaume Collet-Serra; he’s Spanish, not Mexican!
Please don’t let me give you the false impression that this is a really good movie; it’s not. But it is pretty entertaining, decently shot, and not overly exploitative. Things only get really stupid fairly late in the film, knocking my rating down half a star. See, I’m less shallow than you thought.
Aquarium Playlist, 6/28/16
EPISODE #239: CASEY KASEM TRIBUTE 2016
“The New Scooby-Doo Movies” [ALTERNATE THEME]
Wings — “Listen to What the Man Said” [Billboard No. 1, 7/19/75]
Bee Gees — “Jive Talkin’” [No. 1, 8/9/75 – 8/16/75]
David Bowie — “Fame” [No. 1, 9/20/75 and 10/4/75]
Bay City Rollers — “Saturday Night” [No. 1, 1/3/76]
Diana Ross — “Theme from Mahogany (Do You Know Where You’re Going To)” [No. 1, 1/24/76]
Paul Simon — “50 Way To Leave Your Lover” [No. 1, 2/7/76 – 2/21/76]
The Four Seasons — “December, 1963 (Oh What a Night)” [No. 1, 3/13/76 – 3/27/76]
Wings — “Silly Love Songs” [No. 1, 5/22/76 and 6/12/76 – 7/3/76]
Desmond Dekker & the Aces — “Israelites” [long-distance dedication]
Diana Ross — “Love Hangover” [No. 1, 5/29/76 – 6/5/76]
Bee Gees — “You Should Be Dancing” [No. 1, 9/4/76]
Stevie Wonder — “I Wish” [No. 1, 1/22/77]
Manfred Mann’s Earth Band — “Blinded by the Light” [No. 1, 2/19/77]
Jack’s Aquarium podcast is proudly recorded in Hoboken, NJ.
Aquarium Playlist, 6/21/16
EPISODE #238: SUMMER 2016
The Who — “Happy Jack” [THEME]
The Garment District — “Secondhand Sunburn”
The Monkees — “You Bring the Summer”
Pansy Division — “The Summer You Let Your Hair Grow Out”
Best Coast — “Summer Mood”
Coconut Records — “The Summer”
Skateboard Kyle [see also: Joy Cleaner] — “This Ain’t the Summer of Love”
Jon Langford & Skull Orchard — “Summer Stars”
East River Pipe — “Summer Boy”
The Sunshine Fix — “Mr. Summer Day”
The Clientele — “On a Summer Trail” [live on Irwin’s show, WFMU]
The Just Joans — “East Kilbride (All Summer Long)”
Pete Yorn — “Summer Was a Day”
The Incredible Casuals — “Summer Nights”
Chris Isaak — “Summer Holiday”
For a limited time, you can stream or download the episode here. Ignore any warnings; it’s just an MP3.
Jack’s Aquarium podcast is proudly recorded in Hoboken, NJ.
Movie Review: Maggie’s Plan
3.5 stars out of 5
Legendary screenwriting guru Syd Field claimed that in the first 10 minutes of a movie, viewers should learn just about everything they need to know about the story and characters. Maggie’s Plan sees Syd’s wager and raises him… down to 2 minutes! The very first thing we see Maggie do is help a blind guy across the street — wow, she’s nice! Then she immediately meets up with her platonic pal Bill Hader and, oh my dear lord, the exposition just flies. She wants a baby. She wants to do it on her own, now. She’s never been in a lasting relationship. But don’t worry, Maggie has it all figured out — she even has a sperm donor lined up. (He’s a pickle man but, though set in downtown NYC, Maggie never crosses Delancey.)
OK, whew, we can relax now. Well, for a few minutes anyway, until the best laid plans of mice and Maggie go astray. You see, she meets cute with professor-guy Ethan Hawke. (My only other big gripe with the movie: They meet way too cute; there would be a million more believable ways to have these two characters end up in the same place at the same time.) But there’s a problem — isn’t there always? — he’s married to brilliant academic Julianne Moore! Eh-oh, looks like Maggie will have to come up with yet another plan.
Greta Gerwig, who I have pledged allegiance to several times before, is Maggie. Here we get a muted Greta, and not just because of the skirt/tights/sweater/sensible-shoes outfits her Quaker character is continually saddled with. She doesn’t get to be her trademark madcap self — Maggie is a pretty serious person dealing with some grown-up shiznit. Still, you can’t help but like and root for her. It’s Greta Gerwig, fer crissakes!
Luckily, the enchanting Ms. Moore gets to have tons of fun, to balance things out. As the Danish, practically plumage-attired Georgette — wife of Hawke — she delivers a delightful performance. It is perhaps her funniest work since Lebowski.
My old school chum Ethan Hawke is solid as the conflicted family man who’s sick of sitting ’round here trying to write this book. (Just in case you don’t figure that out, “Dancing in the Dark” is on the soundtrack twice.)
The humor amps up as Maggie’s machinations get more convoluted. But we get some heavier stuff to consider too: the desire to raise a child vs. the desire to be married, pursuing your dreams vs. pursuing what you’re good at, the power dynamic in relationships, blended families, how many movies can Maya Rudolph show up in, etc.
So, you laugh, you think, you get a nice little tour of the Village, and it’s a pleasing time at the movies. Hey, what do you expect from Arthur Miller’s daughter, writer/director Rebecca Miller? This ain’t gonna be Porky’s II: The Next Day.
What I’ve Been Watching: Edition XII
So I set up my dad with Amazon Prime on a Kindle Fire. But do *I* have Amazon Prime? Do *I* have a Kindle Fire? Nooooooooooo! Hey, it’s all just part of being the selfless guy I am. But here’s my biannual rundown of the new shows I’ve watched recently, mostly via my old-fashioned cable.
LOVED
Baskets (FX) Zach Galifianakis is Chip Baskets, a sad clown in Bakersfield, California. This is worth watching simply for Louie Anderson’s heartbreakingly funny and subtle performance as Chip’s mom. But for me the show scores on all fronts: It’s hilarious and sad and cruel and sweet and adds up to something kind of beautiful. I love the mellow, bleak Bakersfield setting, and I always when Galifianakis shows up as his uptight twin brother Dale.
LIKED A LOT
Horace and Pete (louisck.net) Another great year for Louis C.K., co-creating Baskets and surprising us with this wholly original web series. Maybe it ultimately cost a little more than it should’ve, and I’ll admit to have hoped for a few more laughs. (There are many laughs, but it is not the main thrust of the show.) But it was fascinating viewing, more theater than television. Steve Buscemi (as Pete, partner in the bar with Horace, played by Louie) is terrific, but Alan Alda steals the series with his prickly performance as Uncle Pete. The bar setting feels very comfortable, ironic for a show that delves into so many uncomfortable topics.
Neon Joe, Werewolf Hunter (Adult Swim) The ridiculous sci-fi plot was far outweighed by the delightful absurdity here. Jon Glaser has created another classic comedy character with the crazy Cajun, Neon Joe. He-yump!
W/ Bob & David (Netflix) Mr. Show was one of my all-time faves, and this sequel of sorts proved that Bob Odenkirk and David Cross hadn’t really lost a step. Some really funny bits, and great to see the old “gang” together again.
LIKED
Maya & Marty (NBC) What a nice surprise to have weekly sketch/variety show featuring one of my absolute comedy heroes, Martin Short. Maya Rudolph does solid work playing off of him, and I admire her comedic bravery: “You want me to eat this? I’ll eat it.” An hour is probably a little bit long for the show; sometimes it seems like they’re working with the B material. But so far it’s been packed with guest stars (Steve Martin, Tina Fey, Jimmy Fallon, etc.), and we get the return of Jiminy Glick, which for me is worth the price of admission.
KIND OF LIKED, KIND OF DIDN’T
The Family (ABC) This show wanted me to watch it: Matt Saracen! Andrew McCarthy! Music by Mogwai, for god’s sake! The central concept, a kid who went missing a decade ago supposedly returns, was kind of intriguing. But I don’t really like shows based around One Big Mystery. Give me strong characters instead! Yet there was only one likable character in the whole show (an FBI agent played by Hoboken’s own Matthew Lawler), the frequent-flashback trope got tiresome pretty quick, Alison Pill who was charming on The Newsroom was annoying here, the show seemed a bit too sympathetic to pedophiles (!), and overall it was just kind of dumb. Oh, and hey young Liam James, I’ve now found you boring in three different things: This, The Killing, and The Way, Way Back.
Vinyl (HBO) Terence “Boardwalk Empire” Winter. Martin Scorsese. Mick Jagger. Starring Bobby Canavale. How could they go wrong? This show is too big to fail! And yet, something’s not quite right. Certain music nerds I know have griped about accuracy but that doesn’t bother me too much here. Yet it’s as if they’re trying too hard and the heart and soul has been left behind. (Could this be Terence Winter’s Treme?) It’s enjoyable enough, but not something I looked forward to watching each week.
First Impressions (USA) Impressionists compete for a $10,000 prize, while being encouraged by Dana Carvey, host Freddie Prinze Jr., and special guests. This has kind of a cheesy/cheap feel to it, and it’s sad that in just a six-week run of episodes, you hear several of the same impressions (Chris Rock, Christopher Walken, Owen Wilson….). But it was harmless, a few contestants seemed pretty talented, and it was fun to see (the actual) guests Jon Lovitz, Kevin Nealon, Jay Leno….
DIDN’T LIKE
The X-Files (FOX) What a disappointment! The show had meant a lot to me back in the day, and I was excited about the relaunch. But it really felt like they announced it, promoted it, and then suddenly realized it was premiering in two days and they hadn’t written or shot any episodes. I was shocked at what truly felt like the lack of a plan or outline. After the undeniable little thrill of seeing Mulder and Scully together again, first I thought we were getting a big (hokey) conspiracy miniseries. But then there were these generally pointless and/or silly stand-alone episodes. And then at the end they picked up the conspiracy thing again. The writing was rotten and the production was really cheap looking. I wanted to believe! Yet I know I’ll keep watching, so I hope they step it up next time.
TWO AND DONE
Damien (A&E) Full disclosure: I’d never seen The Omen. So, this past winter, the three originals aired on cable, and I watched them — with diminishing returns. But now I was invested so sure I’d watch the series. They tried their best to tie it to the original movie, but the quality just wasn’t there.
Superstore (NBC) I don’t mind having a guilty-pleasure sitcom in my life, really I don’t. And I liked the idea of a show in a big box store. I was excited to see Mark McKinney from The Kids in the Hall (who made the unfortunate decision of using a really annoying voice), less excited for Ugly Betty and Mad Men’s fake Chachi. But Superstore generated no laughs and no emotion — No Sale.
STOPPED WATCHING AFTER 5 MINUTES, 33 SECONDS
F is for Family (Netflix) This animated offering was not for me.
JURY STILL OUT
O.J.: Made in America (ESPN) I didn’t watch the miniseries so I figured I’d give this documentary a go. Though I’ve only watched one of the five parts so far, I’m pretty sure it’s going to be great. But I get a sick thrill putting O.J. Simpson in my “Jury Still Out” category.
JURY CAME BACK
Ash vs Evil Dead (FOX) Though the rest of the episodes didn’t hold up to the total fun of the pilot, it was certainly entertaining enough. How wrong can you go with Bruce Campbell? And bonus points when it was revealed that the photo of somebody supposedly “roughed up” by protesters at a Trump rally was really a makeup test from this show.
STILL WATCHING THE SIMPSONS?
I am.
THANK YOU AND GOODBYE
Childrens Hospital (Adult Swim) Ah, I remember when it was just a wee little web series. Now after 7 seasons, they’ve closed up shop. Could be hit-or-miss (more so in the last couple of seasons), but when it was “on” it was the funniest thing on TV. Where will Henry Winkler go now?
LOOKING FORWARD TO
As soon as I finish the second season of Kimmy, I’m going to dive into Lady Dynamite (Netflix) — love that Maria Bamford. Hoping for very good things from Danny McBride’s Vice Principals and Richard Price’s The Night Of (both HBO). Of course, I love my Summer Olympics. And just yesterday they announced there would be another season of Curb Your Enthusiasm, so I think that is pretty, pretty, pretty good!
SHOWS I USED TO WATCH AND IN MANY CASES STILL DO
Links to Edition I, II, III, IV, V, VI, VII, VIII, IX, X and XI.
Aquarium Playlist, 6/14/16
EPISODE #237: STARS
The Who — “Happy Jack” [THEME]
Lake — “The Stars”
Karyn Kuhl Band — “The Stars Will Bring You Home”
Joe Henry — “Stars”
Man or Astro-Man? — “Journey to the Stars”
Ric Menck — “Reachin’ for the Stars”
Ella Fitzgerald — “Stairway to the Stars”
The Field Mice — “Below the Stars”
Peter Case — “Underneath the Stars”
The Motifs — “Stars”
The Apples in Stereo — “7 Stars”
Kimberley Rew — “Seven Stars”
The Brian Jonestown Massacre — “Stars”
The Flaming Lips — “Vein of Stars”
The Lemonheads — “Big Gay Heart” [dedicated to the victims of the Orlando massacre]
Jack’s Aquarium podcast is proudly recorded in Hoboken, NJ.
Jack Silbert, curator