satire
New Year’s Resolutions 2013
1. Geeeeeet my eeeeeeeeeeeee keeeeeeeeeeey fixeeeeeeeeeeeeed. 2. Apprendre à parler français. 3. Really take the bull by the horns (only if I somehow become a matador or rodeo clown). 4. Stockpile untaken wooden nickels; purchase a wooden certificate of deposit. 5. Resolution No. 5 is brought to you by Chanel No. 5, the perfect fragrance […]
Predicting John Sterling’s Home-Run Call for Kevin Youkilis
THe New York Yankees signed White Sox third baseman Kevin Youkilis (what? he played for another team?) to a one-year, $12 million contract. This raises a burning question for Yankees fans. And it’s not “Will Youk be a competent fill-in for injured A-Rod at the hot corner” or “Will Youkilis and Joba finally bury the […]
If I Win the $550 Million Powerball Jackpot
I will… —get my 1991 Corolla reupholstered. —buy the “special” sandwich next Wednesday at Fiore’s. —hire a car service, go into Manhattan, get $15 haircut at Astor Place. —tip Alberto the barber four dollars. —take out a student loan and repay it the same day. —I guess I need some new tube socks. —watch the […]
Silbert Nobel Submission: “Up the Junction” and the Space-Time Continuum
Or maybe you have to be nominated for a Nobel Prize? Just in case could somebody maybe re-Tweet this? OK thanks. Use the hashtag #physics, as I think that’s where time travel would fit. Before I get into the “meat” of my theory (theorem? proof? I should probably look this stuff up in the FAQs […]
Business Plan: Club 273
I propose opening a club, which I will call Club 273. It will be a very exclusive club, with no sign outside. And get this: 273 will not be the building’s street address. On that street, 273 will be, like, a shoe repair shop or something. This will keep away poseurs who have heard about […]
New Year’s Resolutions 2012
1. Lose 10 pounds. 2. Gain 15 pounds. 3. Start smoking. 4. Move part in hair half-centimeter to the left. 5. Finally learn how to play piano and when instructor tells me that I’m actually getting very good, never ever play again. 6. Meet girl, lose girl, think about winning girl back, but really listen […]
Writing Experiment: 2011 in Puns and Wordplay in 1 Hr., 11 Min.
I wrote a Facebook status earlier: “Clearing out my 2011 puns. R.E.M. breakup = Stipe-end.” That was it. Nothing earth-shattering. But, people liked it. “Liked” it. As I type this, 17 likes, 8 comments. Now I’m home, I’ve had three beers, and I’m giving myself a challenge. Using Wikipedia’s entries on 2011 and 2011 in […]
Meanwhile, at the Deity Meet-and-Greet…
VISHNU: Can we have pie in the backyard? JESUS: Yes. Allah mowed.
Jack Silbert, curator